Think of the last time you were in a meeting and you and your team were discussing your latest project. You needed to propel the team to continue as they have been, or to put forth more effort, or to get them to do what they really may not want to do.

How do you relate to your team members?

Do you relate by making them feel comfortable or by relating to them in terms of efficiency?

If you relate to someone in terms of efficiency and they are looking for ‘bonding’, you are not going to take steps to build that relationship. On the other hand, if you start conversations with small talk and take a while to get to the point of your discussion, they may become frustrated and impatient with you.

So how do you know what they prefer?

They tell you. In subtle ways, ways that you may not have even noticed before, they tell you.

Listen to what they talk about, or more precisely, who they talk about. If they talk about friends, relatives, family, co-workers, neighbors, etc., they want to bond with you before the business discussions begin.

If they talk about tasks, such as phone calls, emails, meetings, projects, etc., they are more detached and want efficiency.

Awareness of what is important to the other person [efficiency or comfort], on what they build their relationships on, shows you respect them as an individual.

So, how do you relate to others?

For hours today I was at my computer trying feverishly to clear out my inbox. Some of my ‘unread’ emails I had already taken care of [thank goodness, although there were not nearly enough of those], some had to be filed elsewhere, some could be deleted, and others, well those I kept as ‘unread’ so I could handle them later. Every fifteen minutes or so I would glance over my new incoming messages.

All was going well until I received a high priority email … you know the ones that come with the red exclamation point. “Hmmm” I thought “this must be important, this must be something I need to read immediately, for I am sure it will help my company.” I opened the email and, amazingly, it had absolutely nothing at all to do with my company. It was an email totally unrelated to increasing my company’s position.

The fact is that it was the sender’s perspective, and therefore the sender’s reality, that the message was very important. I can only think that if I were to purchase the products that this company was selling, it would be a huge benefit to that company.

Now let me clarify who the sender was … someone I had never met [although I have received high priority emails from people/companies I have not interacted with in years], a company I was not familiar with, and a product I would not purchase. This company and my company happen to belong to the same very large professional organization.

We can get so focused on our own perspective and in our own world that we do not think to step back and take a broader perspective of the situation. We communicate from our own viewpoint. We need to do it from the viewpoint of our listener or of our reader. Many times it is simply our point of view that we pay attention to and disregard the other point of view.

Remember, in every ‘conversation’ there are three points of view: the speaker’s/sender’s, the listener’s/receiver’s and their blended points of view.

Whose point of view are your emails targeted to?

I heard this recently … as a way to have those uncomfortable situations, those dreaded conversations …. having a structured dialog helps you focus on the other person and enables you to more easily empathize with them.

So what is this structured dialog? Let’s talk about Step 1 in this entry …..

We know we need to select the proper time for both people. What is the proper time? Obviously it’s when neither person is stressed, or hurried, or up against a deadline. It’s amazing how many times this does not happen. Especially when the ‘conversation’ is all-encompassing to you, the approacher.

It is best to have this conversation on neutral ground … and away from distractions. Put your cell phone or blackberry on vibrate, if you absolutely must take it. This is not a time when you want to be interrupted.

A question I get asked often is “should I start with small talk?” That depends …. it depends on your communication style, the other person’s communication style [more on styles in a later post ... or email a comment asking me to elaborate], and your relationship with that person. If you don’t normally engage in small talk, now is not the time to begin. Doing so will raise red flags and can immediately make the other person wary and defensive.

Look for the next part within the next week.

Remember, it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

We seem to go in cycles of “You said ….” “No I didn’t, I said …” “No you didn’t …”, and we are in the midst of one of those cycles now.  I am reminded of a trip to an attorney to review a many-page legal document. I do not like to deal in details, especially legalese-details. Just to be sure, I thought having an attorney review it would be in my best interest.

After he read my document, he said of one particular paragraph [and I am paraphrasing, for this is what I think I heard]: When something is not stated clearly, it leaves us room to interpret.

Think about it …. we make assumptions many times throughout the day when our understanding is not clear. And with our assumptions comes our past experiences, good and bad. Others make assumptions on what we say when our communication is not clear. And with their assumptions come their past experiences, good and bad.

How do we know when our communication is not clear? How do we know when our words are being interpreted or are being understood as we meant them? How do we know when our understanding is not clear? Especially in this fast-paced technical world where we may not have time to double-check? Or we may feel intimidated to ask questions?

Is it what you said? Or what they think they heard?

Many of my clients run into the “time just got away from me” syndrome. I know they hate to tell me that they did not complete a task that we agreed they need to do. As they continue their sad tale of woe and what occupied their time, I can’t help but think of the misnomers we are all under.

When we plan our day, our week or our month, we plan for activities. “It will take me thirty minutes to drive to Client ‘A’. Our meeting will take sixty minutes, thirty minutes back to the office, give me fifteen minutes ‘just in case’ …” Sound familiar?

The discrepancy with this is that when we plan our day, we plan activities and base our timetables on activities. Every activity involves either processes or other people. Therein is where the chasm will occur. People are unpredictable, and dealing with them can take a great deal of effort. Especially if their behavioral and thought process style is 180 degrees from you. [more on that in another blog entry]. Processes work well in theory. It’s in the real world that they don’t always fall seamlessly into place.

Think of your most recent meetings …. did it last as short as you wanted it to? And did you accomplish everything on the agenda, to the depth [or shallowness] that you wanted it to be? Most often your response will be ‘no’. You were dealing with people [meeting attendees] and processes [following the agenda and Robert's Rules of Order]. You can control your own actions, actions which may be based on habits. This is the part of ‘time’ that you have control over. Being aware of when, why and how you get off track.  Breaking those habits. Mastering your habits … doing what is most important to you … getting a handle on time and planning your day.

“I didn’t have time to ..”.

It isn’t what they actually said, it’s what they meant to say.

Why don’t we tell others how to manage or communicate with ourselves? This seems like a very simple concept, doesn’t it? Think about how much easier, or simpler, our lives would be if we were forthright with this information.

Aahh Behold the Ultimate Truth! We are! We tell others what we value, what is important to us. We just don’t always pay attention to the signals that we are sent.

When I changed financial planners, my new one felt it was important to review with me, year by year, my contributions and my disbursements. After listening to this for only a few minutes [believe me it felt like forever] I moved her finger down to the last disbursement. I wanted to know what year my money would run out. The outcome, the result, the bottom line, was important to me. Not the details. From that point forward she knew not to bog me down with details … simply give me the end result.

Do you have someone in your life that talks about their family, friends, colleagues or other people? To build rapport with them, ask them about these people. Smile and nod when they relate their latest adventures. Then you can get to the point. Otherwise they may hear that you do not like them orare not interested in them.

Do you have someone in your life that keeps their personal life private? They are focused on business, tasks, things and achievements. If so, minimize the small non-business talk and get directly to the point. Give them the result first. Otherwise they may hear that you are flighty and a time-waster.

Remember, it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

I recently took an emotional intelligence assessment on-line. It was an interesting assessment … I find many of these to have some statements that can be interpreted several ways.  Here were my challenges:

I get bored with many activities and hobbies

Now does this mean that I get bored if I have many activities and hobbies underway simultaneously? Or I get bored with a large number of activities and hobbies; in other words, not many activities and hobbies can hold my attention? The ambiguous word here is ‘many’. What number constitutes ‘many’?

I use free time to learn things that might be useful in the future

Here the ambiguous word is not ‘might’, it’s ‘useful’. Useful for what? The future. That is a very broad word. I had someone tell me that in Stephen Covey’s 2 x 2 model [important / not important / urgent / not urgent] that nothing she did was in the not important / not urgent quadrant. Even when she played computer games. She believed that everything she did was important or urgent in some way.

I sometimes tell lies if I have to

Well gee. Does this include me telling a colleague that I don’t care where we go to lunch when I really do? Or that I agree with their decision when I don’t? And how do we quantify ’sometimes’? Aahh that’s the topic for another blog entry….

It isn’t what I read, it’s what I think I read.

I recently had to go to an attorney to look over a many-page legal document. I do not like to deal in details, especially legalese-details. Just to be sure, I thought having an attorney review it would be in my best interest.

After he read my document, he said of one particular paragraph [and I am paraphrasing, for this is what I think I heard]: When something is not stated clearly, it leaves us room to interpret.

Think about it …. we make assumptions many times throughout the day when our understanding is not clear. And with our assumptions comes our past experiences, good and bad. Others make assumptions on what we say when our communication is not clear. And with their assumptions come their past experiences, good and bad.

How do we know when our communication is not clear? How do we know when our words are being interpreted or are being understood as we meant them? How do we know when our understanding is not clear? Especially in this fast-paced technical world where we may not have time to double-check? Or we may feel intimidated to ask questions?

Is it what you said? Or what they think they heard?

I gave a Supervisor and Communications seminar on Saturday to first and second level supervisors.  One of the topics the President wanted me to discuss was “How do you let your direct reports, and others that are not your direct reports, know their jobs are important?”

Instead of preaching what I thought, I put them in groups and asked them to come up with ideas.  Each group came up with a variation of praise: thank them for completing an especially difficult task, appreciate their attention to details, tell them they did a good job for interacting with a customer, … the list goes on and on.

The best part about this is that praise costs absolutely no money!  It will cost you some time [yep about 60 seconds], and some brainpower to make it relevant to the person receiving the praise.

Make it clear, make it specific, make it real for them.  And reap the rewards.

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

I have ‘frozen shoulder’ and did not know what it was before my chiropractor began helping it ‘thaw’. Frozen shoulder is when “The tissues around the joint stiffen, scar tissue forms, and shoulder movements become difficult and painful.” [http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/frozen-shoulder-topic-overview]

I went to an orthopedic specialist to satisfy my primary care physician. The specialist looked over my x-ray and, quite seriously, asked “How long have you had this?”

“Oh doctor!” I wailed, “FOREVER!!!”

Still very seriously he asked “How many years?”

“Oh” I replied rather sheepishly, “about two months”.

To me, two months with limited mobility in my left shoulder was forever. It hampered me when I travel by plane, when I get dressed and when I want to carry anything over my shoulder. It even affected me when I’m trying to sleep! In my mind, and in my reality, I had this ailment for ‘forever’. In the doctor’s mind, ‘forever’ was measured in years.

Let me ask you, how long is your ‘forever’? And is it the same as your listener’s ‘forever’?