Before you even get to the actual meeting, you have to ask the person to meet with you. So how do you do this? Asking for the meeting, yes ASKING, not telling, is as important as setting the ground rules for the meeting.

How do you ask for the meeting? Keep your voice tone friendly, and your words non-adversarial. Starting with “I was thinking we should talk about ….. because we both want …..”. Stressing that you are open to negotiation, and acknowledging that the ideal solution is bigger than both of you, stating the issue and what the outcome is you envision sets the tone for the meeting.

Ask, yes ASK, to meet in a neutral place – not your area and not theirs – and in a place where you can speak privately and freely.

Now in a perfect world, the other person would whole heartedly agree to meet and the meeting will go just as you envision. If, however, they balk and oppose this meeting, keep your positive and open stance. Recognize their objections and assure them that you have a new perspective, you understand their side, and stress the value of a conciliatory meeting.

Once the time, date and place for the meeting have been set, one final ‘point’ need to be raised and agreed upon. That ‘point’ is that you both will continue talking until the issue is resolved. A secondary point is that neither person will push for their solution alone.

If this sounds like negotiation, yes indeed it is. Emotional Intelligence is an integral part of negotiations, and of conflict resolution.

Is it about the credit, or about the outcome?

Remember, it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

To continue this process, see my ‘Creating Structured Dialog’ blog posts.

Motivation and great words can come from nearly everywhere. I was watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy.  In this episode, there was a competition among the second year interns. Points were awarded based upon the complexity of the case they were on, the accuracy of the diagnosis, medical mysteries and the completeness of the diagnosis. Izzie spent $120,000 diagnosing what she thought could be a medical mystery, only to have the illness be a case of the flu.

The Chief, finding Izzie alone late one evening, had this conversation: “You’re in a lion fight. Just because you didn’t win doesn’t mean you don’t know how to roar. Stand up tall, walk proud. Don’t lick your wounds. You didn’t invent competition. This is a lion fight. So chin up put your shoulders back walk proud strut a little. Don’t lick your wounds. Celebrate! The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You are in a lion fight.”

How many times have you felt down and out, beaten, not wanting to continue? With the right word, you would toss in the towel and call it quits. We’ve all been there, all felt like failures.

As Sir Edmund Hillary said “It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.”*

*This quote, along with over sixty other quotes, can be found in my book entitled “Focus On the Pinnacle of Your Success!”, a collection of motivational quotes concentrating on Fearless, Opportunity, Challenges, Unlimited Success. Go to the Additional Resources tab on my website to order.

HOUSTON — Three fishing buddies were returning from Port Lavaca on Tuesday night when their single-engine plane stalled in mid-air. The small Cherokee was put down in a vacant lot, about a mile short of the runways at Hobby Airport.The force of the crash broke off the plane’s nose gear and crumpled the plane’s fuselage. And while no one was hurt from the crash, one passenger aboard the plane did receive a number of crab pinches.“When this happened, Craig was sitting in back and he said the cooler just went. Crabs went all over him just biting him left and right,” said Georgette McGuire, the girlfriend of one of the men aboard the plane. “He said it was driving him crazy. He’s got a bunch of crab bites on him.”

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating what caused the plane to stall.

When you read the title, is that what you thought the story would be about?

The original title of this story was

Small plane crash-lands near Hobby

click here to read this version of the story

Which one is less open to interpretation? And which one gets your attention?

It isn’t what was written, it’s what you thought you read.

One of my passions, and as luck would have it, most popular workshops is the one on communicating in the way that your listener needs to be communicated to. In other words, talk slower to those that talk slower, and speed up your speech when you are talking to a fast talker.

I was giving this seminar last week to an aviation department. We were talking about the different personality dimensions, how some people don’t mind if you get straight into your business. Other people need to be eased into the business discussion. That is important in gaining rapport and building respect.

One person from the back of the room spoke up “Shari, we run on tight deadlines and with a sense of urgency. We don’t have time to spend 5-10 minutes talking about someone’s family. We need to take immediate action!”  With that, he puffed out his chest and very proudly sat down.

“That’s true” I responded “your industry and your situations are immediate and time cannot be wasted. There are different ways to say ‘drop the wheels’. You can say it harsh and with an edge to your voice, or you can say it with the same amount of urgency yet in a softer tone with no edge, and with a bit of a smile or a relaxed face. You are still stressing the urgency. You are simply getting the message across in the best way that your listener will hear it and take action. If you choose the first way with a person that is not aggressive, they may back off and become intimidated. That’s what you want to avoid.”

So let me ask you …. What did you say, and what did they think they heard?

ABC News had an interesting storyt, and 20/20 had a more in depth broadcast. Tire stores are selling up to 12 year old tires and, according to them, they are “new … never been used”. Research has shown that any tire over six years old should not be used … it can dry out and thus can shred on the highway.

How many people, myself included, assume ‘never been used’ is the same as ‘new’? Is this misleading … or are we simply making erroneous assumptions?

It isn’t what they said, it’s what we think we heard!

Watching Glenn Beck on the Bill O’Reilly show talk about one of his callers …. I think the discussion was about the Health Care bill that is trying to make it through the US House and Senate. 

As the female caller was trying to make her point, she said “Every time you people ….”.  These words were Glenn Beck’s “fightin’ words” .  They set him off and he became much more animated, arms flailing, face turning red …. he screamed at her to get off his phone and called her a ‘Pinhead”. 

What was it about those words, “you people”, that caused Glenn’s amygdala to hijack?  Where, in his past experiences, did he hear “you people” and the consequences were emotionally negative?  That’s why we wig out, lose control.  Something someone said, or did, reminded us of an emotionally-charged prior event.  That’s the feeling that migrates from our subconscious to our amygdala — and we simply let it overcome us.  We don’t know how to stop it, and usually we are powerless to stop it.

How do we stop it?  First and foremost, we need to want to stop it.  Secondly, we need to be aware of when we are about to lose control.  Third, we need to identify our emotional triggers.  Fourth, we need to understand where these triggers began.

These are not easy steps, nor are they accomplished quickly.  Take one step at a time, one instance at a time, and you will make progress.

TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

MILLIE: All right.. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
_________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

The New Mexico Business Weekly recently had an interesting article. It stated that research has shown that knowing someone’s natural behavioral style how they act and react in situations will help you match them to the position that will keep them engaged. And we know what happens when employees are engaged: better teamwork and a higher level of discretionary effort. Sure makes your job as their leader much easier!

It goes on to say:

Behavior style assessments are often referred to in lay terms as personality profiles (DISC and Myers-Briggs are well known examples). Knowing a candidate’s behavior style will help determine how well he or she will fit into your organization’s culture. You also can gain insight about how best to communicate with that person and how to take advantage of those traits to create well balanced workplace teams.

Not only does understanding someone’s ’style’ make teamwork easier, it also makes selling, persuading and negotiating easier!

Tying personality styles with emotional intelligence is a lethal combination … you, as a leader, can achieve superior performance with these two skills.

For more information about DiSC and communication styles, contact Shari. This is one of our favorite workshops … both from an attendee and a facilitator standpoint!

Look for more blog entries addressing this topic.

Remember, it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard

Doesn’t this make things crystal clear?!!

Years ago I did my Master’s [in Aeronautical Science from ERAU] on “Personalities in the Cockpit”. In that research, I surveyed career Part 91 pilots as to their communication style. These were all pilots in flight departments; I did not designate which were chief pilots and which were safety officers or Directors of Aviation. I am continuing this research, and have widened it to include all members in flight departments.

Part of my current research in communications deals with the ego of the pilot, and how this affects their communications. Being strong, being right, maintaining his status and reputation. All these are [or were] critical to the pilot’s self-image. And Captainitis.

At one time, captains were described as arrogant, over-confident, aggressive, incompetent and authoritarian by their co-pilots. This is according to the RAF Institute of Aviation Medicine. Captains, on the other hand, describe their co-pilots as lazy, difficult, complainer, resentful and bullying.

Aviation accidents, whether they be commercial aviation or business aviation, are fascinating studies.  Reading over the cockpit data recorders, you can glean much information about the Captain and First Officer.  How do they relate to each other?  How do they communicate with the flight attendants? with ATC? What is said between them … and what is not said?

I have nearly completed my white paper on the Colgan Air Accident, with a focus on the personal situational awareness of the Captain.  Email me if you’d like a copy … or stay tuned!

Remember, it isn’t what he said, it’s what they think they heard.