….and touch your elbow.

Come on, let’s see you do that. I’ll wait while you try. La-la-la-la. Tra-la-la-la. Fa-la-la-la.

How’d you do? Were you successful?

No? Hmm … let’s take this in two steps:

1. Stick your tongue out.  I think we all know how to do this.  Then the misunderstanding or the challenge seems to be with the next step.

2. Touch your left elbow.  How would you touch your elbow if you did not first stick out your tongue?  Why would sticking out your tongue make a difference in how you touched your elbow?

Did you make the assumption that I was challenging you to touch your elbow with your stuck-out tongue?

It isn’t what I said, it’s what you think you heard!

If I asked you if you have ever intentionally run a red light, what would your response be?

How about if I asked if you have ever slid though a red light?

Aren’t they the same thing? Don’t they both mean that you broke the law and proceeded when you should have stopped?

Which sounds better …. Less threatening, friendlier?

If you asked someone whose communication or personality style was opposite yours, would they agree with you?  Generally speaking, people that are more forceful and aggressive prefer the action words and words that have a ‘hard’ sound like the ‘k’.  People that are more introverted prefer the ’s’ and the ‘c’ sounds over the harsh ‘k’ sounds.

Do the words we use really make a difference?  Try it for yourself.

It isn’t what I said, it’s what you think you heard.

How different are these words? What reaction do you get when you ‘invite’ someone join you in a task? When you ‘encourage’ a colleague to try just one more time? or when you ‘challenge’ someone to stretch their abilities?

Are these words interchangeable? What is the response when you ‘challenge’ someone without knowing them very well? I spoke with someone today and they relayed a story about this exact thing…. He felt he had to build a solid relationship before he could ‘challenge’ a client to take that next step.

There are some people that will rise to your ‘challenge’ just to prove they can do it and/or prove you underestimated them. Others will react negatively to that, yet not disappoint you when you ‘encourage’ or ‘invite’ them.

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

Recently I attended a conference where we scheduled 10 minutes to talk with companies we wanted to do business with.  Imagine:  a cross between running-of-the-bulls and speed-dating!   When it was ‘your time’, you and about 100 of your closest friends were ’released’ into the room with the all-knowing companies.  Because you only have 10 minutes, and the conference personnel are fanatics about that, everyone bursts out of the side room, rushes to where their appointment company is sitting, and proceeds to talk non-stop for 10 minutes, hoping to either sell their products or services, or spark an interest.   

Out of the corner of my eye I witnessed this, firsthand, and watched the targeted company members roll their eyes and feign interest.  I thought “don’t those that are talking see the disinterest?  Doesn’t anything click in their minds that they are talking too much?”

How often do you simply barrel ahead with your own agenda .. not asking questions to pinpoint commonalities?  Do you assume that they know what you are talking about … or that they even have a need for your products or services?  Do you know if you interrupted something important and they would rather reschedule your conversation?

Awareness of the other person, and taking action suitable to that circumstance, is an integral part of emotional intelligence.  Not doing so demonstrates insincerity and selfishness.

How aware are you of your surroundings?

I heard this recently on the news:  “…treat children with the flu under the age of 12″.

Interesting … I didn’t realize that the flu was less dangerous over 12 years old!

It’s not what they said, it’s what I heard!

Think of the times you want to meet with one of your staff, direct reports or friend and talk about something that may not come too easy to either of you. How do you approach them?

I need to discuss something with you …..
I have something to share with you ….
Let’s have a conversation about …..

The first one might raise the other person’s defenses … it reminds me of something a parent would say to their child right before they reprimanded the child.  My mother used to say “I have a bone to pick with you ….”.  Gee that made me excited about talking with her!

The second one … well does that mean it’s a secret they want to share? Something that is good news for the other person? Something exciting?  Something that you might not really want to hear?

The third one is probably the least common of the three.  It was said in the context of leaders ‘having a conversation’ with their staff to give them feedback.

Does it matter what you say when you approach someone to talk to them? What effect do your words have on the tone of the meeting? Are you aware of the words you use, and how the other person interprets them?

One of the emotional intelligence elements is to be aware of others .. their reactions, their mood, their emotional reactions …. and change your behaviors if necessary.   Some people prefer to ’discuss’ only  business with you.   Others love ’sharing’ with you.  The ‘conversation’ approach may put others at ease.

It’s all in knowing what will work best for your listener.

It’s not what you said …. it’s what they think they heard

The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen – Frank Lloyd Wright

You think good things will happen just because you wish they will happen – The Tinker Bell Effect

It appears we have conflicting statements here …. Mr Wright says we merely need to believe that something will happen and it will.  Reminds me of The Secret: believe it,and with strong emotion, and The Universe will deliver it into your life.

The Tinker Bell Effect doesn’t say anything about taking action … it just read if you wish it to come to pass, and wish it strongly enough, it will.

Your subconscious mind does not know the difference between what you actually have, or do, or feel, or see, and what you have told yourself over and over again.  That’s why visualization works so well…you have created new mindmaps, new neural pathways, in your brain.

Think of creating a new path, either a footpath or an off-road path.  The first time you do it you may have to cut down some weeds, some high grass, and the going is slow.  The more you traverse the same path, the easier it is.  The clearer the path becomes and the less thinking you have to do when traveling along that path.

Same thing with your mind … the more you practice, the more prominent you make these mindmaps, the more likely you will behave in the manner you mentally rehearsed without thinking about it.

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they read.

Watching the news last night, I heard a very interesting line from the newscaster:

“…There has always been problems for quite some time now …”

Huh? 

It isn’t what he said, it’s what he meant to say

Mentoring and faciliting executives is vastly different than having middle managers or new supervisors in the class.  I spend more time with the higher executives digging deep into the far-reaching consequences and implications of average people skills [emotional intelligence].  New supervisors need assistance and practice in delegating, “letting go” and coaching.  Middle managers find mentoring and strategizing most challenging. 

I have found that some instructions will transform these confident, intelligent, knowing leaders into stunned deer being caught in a car’s headlights. So what are these instructions?

• ‘pair up’ or ‘find a partner’
• ‘get into groups of three’
• ‘in your group, select who will go first’

Perhaps it’s the way I’m saying it, perhaps my instructions are not clear. Maybe it’s they don’t know which other leaders they want to do the next activity with. I wish I knew.

Is it …. not what I said, it’s what they think they heard?

From this fatal accident in February 2009, Shari has analyzed the captain’s words and behaviors from a leadership standpoint. She focuses on three areas: empathy, self-confidence/self-esteem, and intiative.  Her white paper has been met with excitement and fascination. Email her for your own copy!