Think of the times you want to meet with one of your staff, direct reports or friend and talk about something that may not come too easy to either of you. How do you approach them?
- I need to discuss something with you …..
I have something to share with you ….
Let’s have a conversation about …..
The first one might raise the other person’s defenses … it reminds me of something a parent would say to their child right before they reprimanded the child. My mother used to say “I have a bone to pick with you ….”. Gee that made me excited about talking with her!
The second one … well does that mean it’s a secret they want to share? Something that is good news for the other person? Something exciting? Something that you might not really want to hear?
The third one is probably the least common of the three. It was said in the context of leaders ‘having a conversation’ with their staff to give them feedback.
Does it matter what you say when you approach someone to talk to them? What effect do your words have on the tone of the meeting? Are you aware of the words you use, and how the other person interprets them?
One of the emotional intelligence elements is to be aware of others .. their reactions, their mood, their emotional reactions …. and change your behaviors if necessary. Some people prefer to ’discuss’ only business with you. Others love ‘sharing’ with you. The ‘conversation’ approach may put others at ease.
It’s all in knowing what will work best for your listener.
It’s not what you said …. it’s what they think they heard
