I recently attended a networking function – you know the kind where you have to stand up and give your 30-second introduction. Most of the self introductions follow the same, boring pattern: Hi! My name is ‘Silly Sally’, and my company is Just Like the Other’s. We (more…)

I have just returned from NYC and an exciting conference … Air Carriers Purchasing Conference. The primary purpose of this organization is to connect airlines and ’suppliers’ — those of us that want to do business with suppliers. This was my sixth year to attend.  Although there were many new faces, it was reassuring and energizing to have dozens of people ask me “Shari, when is your breakout session? I want to be there!” To those of you that asked, I appreciate your interest and check my website for my future sessions and keynote appearances. There were numerous instances where the people I was with experienced the “It wasn’t what they said, it’s what the other person thinks they heard.” In fact, we laughed about it and re-clarified our communication. It was fascinating to witness the actual instances …. being intelligent, articulate professionals that have known one another for years, we  experienced the same communication. Yet our minds interpreted the words and the meanings in different ways.  So it happens to the best of us! It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard

In a recent leadership seminar I was facilitating, the topic of behavior [specifically bad behavior] and the consequences of that behavior.

So often I get asked “why does management let so-and-so continue to act that way …” when they reference a coworker and their bad behavior. Now I don’t know the specific reasons. What I do know is the consequences of the person’s bad behavior is not powerful enough to change their behavior.

We all have consequences to our behaviors. There consequences are either positive or negative … the consequences will either reinforce the behavior or be sufficient to cause the person to change their behavior.

For someone’s behavior to change, the consequences of their actions must be sufficiently negative for them to want to change their behavior. Years ago, my neighbor would get to work thirty minutes late every day. Her punishment would be to stay an hour late. She charged the company one hour overtime every day for that hour she had to stay to make up for being late that morning. What was the consequence for getting to work late? An hour of paid overtime. Are these consequences negative enough to change her behavior? I think not.

If the person is not experiencing any consequences for their behavior, they have no impetus to change. Therefore they will continue doing the same irritating things that they have continued to do.

It’s up to the effective leader to determine what the person’s fears and motivators are, and to use those in determining and setting the consequences.

It doesn’t matter what management actually says, it’s what you think you heard.

Offered at NBAA, Sunday October 18, in Orlando

When we are under stress, we regress to the behaviors that we are most comfortable with, the ones that we can do without conscious thought. In the middle of an argument, we may find we behave the same way we did with a former spouse or friend. When the boss calls us into their office, we may experience the same negative thoughts going through our mind as you did when you were younger and the boss chewed you out?

Our brain will selectively “pull in” sensory input and piece them together to form today’s reality based on yesterday’s experiences.

Remembering that your perception is your reality, what do you think of this sentence: Our perception is not only learned, it is also selective.

If we reacted to every stimulus that we encountered, we would be constantly overwhelmed. So we learn to filter out those stimuli that we deem are unnecessary or inappropriate to our situation. How often do you ‘tune out’ TV commercials? Or fast forward through them with your DVR.

When you see something you are unfamiliar with, how often do you relate it to something you already know?

How many times have you looked for something, only to have it in plain sight?

Ever notice how, after you purchase a car, you see many of the same car or made by the same manufacturer?

Have you ever thought highly of someone, ignoring their faults, until you have had a falling out …. Then you see everything you didn’t see before?

The more aware you are of your own triggers and those things that can “color your world” , the better equipped your are to handle the situation appropriately.

It’s not what your eyes saw, it’s what your mind thinks you saw.