In my leadership and communications seminars, we talk about ambiguous words …. words like ‘always’ , ‘almost always’, ‘rarely’ and ‘never’.  The meaning of these words may seem clear to you…and yet you would be surprised at the responses. 

According to my research with flight departments, ‘always’ happens between 50% and 100% of the time. ‘Almost always’ happens 90% – 95% of the time. In other words, if they heard ‘the sun always rises in the east’, according to at least one person, half the time the sun would NOT rise in the east! Another example, perhaps more realistic: ‘I always leave my house at least 30 minutes early when I have a trip in the morning.’ Half the time, they leave less than 30 minutes early?

Those people that are more meticulous, more detail-oriented, will be more precise in their definition of their interpretation of their words.  Those that are more visionary, more global-speaking, are more likely to be less concise in their meanings.

So what does this mean to you?  Understanding the communication style of the person you’re talking with can help clear up any ambiguities from the beginning, instead of waiting until it’s nearly too late. 

Remember,  it’s not “always”what you said, it’s what they think they heard!

Points to Ponder :

“Few minds wear out; more rust out” -Christian Nestell Bovee

How often do you exercise your brain? You may say you do it every day — after all, you think, analyze, ponder, assess, and imagine each and every day.

I respectfully disagree with you …. and let me ask you when is the last time that you:

• Painted, sculpted, played an instrument … that you don’t normally do?
• Moved items that are typically on your left side to your right, and worked with them on the ‘opposite’ side?
• Wrote with your opposite hand? And wrote more than your name to give an added challenge?
• Did a puzzle that you normally don’t … Sudoku, crossword, anagram, logic?
•  Learned words in a new language, or to a new song or poem?
• Built a model airplane, or create something out of Lego’s or PlayDoh?

These activities will engage either the right or the left side of your brain muscle and keep your thinking sharp and creative. An added benefit is releasing the ‘other’ side of your brain, giving it an opportunity to rest. Remember Effective Ways of Dealing with Overwhelm?

As with all new workout regimes, it may feel awkward or uncomfortable, and you may get frustrated and be tempted to quit. Don’t take yourself so seriously and keep at it … you might be amazed at your progress!

All previous Quick Communique, Points To Ponder are available on my website.  They are listed on the right side under the Newsletters tab. The left side has our library of complimentary Articles.  We’ll be adding more in the coming weeks, and we’ll let you know in this ‘block’. 

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I like the show Criminal Minds. It’s a drama about FBI profilers. This particular episode dealt with the abduction of a six year old boy. The mother told the FBI agents that she did not want to know what happened to the previous boys that had been abducted, she simply wanted to know how they were going to get her son back.

The dialogue between the agents and the parents went like this:

Agent: Was it normal for your son to walk to a friend’s house by himself?

Wife: What are you saying?

Agent: It’s just a question

Wife: [speaking very defensively] No it’s not. Do you think we had something to do with this?

Agent: [maintaining his calm, detached demeanor] No I don’t. If this was his routine, someone could have been watching him for some time now.

Husband: He had only done it a couple times …..

In times of crises, even the most well-meaning and innocent questions can be misconstrued and sound accusatory to the listener. The listener may immediately get defensive, stubborn and irritated while reading voice tones and underlying meanings into what they heard.  The emotional brain, the amygdala, would take over and, unless checked, could spiral out of control.

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

I enjoy speaking and facilitating with different companies.  There is quite a difference in perspectives among the attendees.

While working with an executive staff on their current challenges, one VP mentioned “Geography”.   Hmmm I thought … I too have a challenge with geography …. I can be not only geographically, but directionally challenged. In my younger days, I argued vehemently that to get from New York to London, you would cross the Pacific Ocean!

He took my nodding as agreement and proceeded to explain that his team members are in different parts of not only the USA, but also of the world. AHA! Geography and time zones are challenges.  Much more so than the geography I was remembering.

What have you said recently that could be taken in a different way than what you intended?  And how do you know it was heard as you meant it?

It wasn’t what he said, it’s what I think I heard

There are many things that can cause someone’s defenses to skyrocket. Your emotional brain, specifically your amygdala, plays a huge role in how you remember your past.  We know the more emotional you felt an event, the more likely you are to relive it with that same level of emotion.

My question to you is: how do you react when someone’s defenses get thrust in your face? Do you react negatively? Do you feel your blood pressure rise, your heart pound in your chest, your eyes popping out of your head and your hands instinctively reaching for someone’s neck?  You are in a “fight or flight” situation, cortisol runs rampant through your brain and adrenaline rushes through your veins.  This ‘episode’ lasts approximately 20 minutes.

Or do you handle the situation calmly, with steady breathing and rational thoughts?  You have consciously stopped your emotional brain from going into a totally reactive state.

What is it about that position that you get defensive about? Do you feed off the other person’s emotions, knowing full well that you are locked in a negative embrace spiraling downward?

When you can break yourself free of this hypnotic state, ask yourself: Are you reacting purely to their words, or more to their rage? By doing this and changing your reactions — consciously altering your actions — you will stop that error chain and change the outcome of your interaction.

They key is to consciously alter your actions.

And remember, during these heated moments, it’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.