There are a variety of reasons; however one of the top set is because of the communication style of HR Executives. They are more ‘people people’ than CEO’s, who like to hear the end result first.

They [HR] want to find compromises and make everyone happy, a skill that is great in managing employees but not always the best in the competitive environment that often exists in a company’s upper ranks. Some get discouraged by the confrontational nature of the C-level table and give in to their desire to keep others happy rather than further their department’s stature. .. Many HR executives don’t know how to assemble and argue a solid case to demonstrate the value of their expenses. They need to be more forceful in demonstrating how those expenses generate returns…Although a good employee, [the former HR manager] was a tactical manager, doing the same things the same way they had always been done. After the period of rapid growth, there were too many people going in too many directions, with too many competing agendas. Straightening things out required a new, more strategic voice.

Generally speaking, C-level executives are more of the direct type … decisive, efficient, demanding.  When you communicate with them, there are two things you need to remember:

1. Talk in bullet points and
2. Tell them the result or the outcome first.

If they want more information, they will ask for it.  By doing this, you will gain their respect, which is a much higher compliment to them than if they said they liked you.

The author of this article is alluding to HR being a person that likes to engage with others …  people oriented, having fun, wanting to connect to others, not necessarily liking confrontation.

When executives see HR professionals back down in an effort to keep the peace, they feel that HR doesn’t have the sharp teeth to fight for change.

Depending on where they are in the behavioral arc, they may be more adapting than wanting to be in control. Or they may fluctuate between those two.

Being cognizant of how others communicate, and want to be communicated with, and taking the appropriate action, is a step in building high performance teams and increasing productivity.

A person’s perception is their reality … it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

Behind me, the imp felt it was perfectly acceptable to kick my seat, again and again.  He stood up and bumped my seat, he sat down and moved his legs like he was swimming — and his feet intersected with the back of my seat.  At one point [after suffering through this for about 30 minutes], I turned around and said to his mother “Would you please stop your son from kicking my seat?”.  She gave me a deer-in-the-headlights look and of course did nothing.

The little girl ahead of me decided that she was going to use her seat as a barrier – and she threw herself onto the seat several times.  At least this father believed he was her parent and scolded her, quietly of course, by telling her “There is someone in the seat behind you.”  She did quit, thank goodness.

How often do you think of the ripple effect of your actions?

• When you cut someone off in traffic – do you anger them and how long does it last for them?  Do you unknowingly create a near-accident – and what’s the effect on the other drivers?
• When you are late for a meeting, do you ask for a recap, or do you quietly sneak in and listen before you speak up?
• When you are talking on your cell phone in public, do you talk loud enough for everyone around you to hear?  And how does that impact them?
• Are you sincere when you tell people ‘thank you’, ‘I appreciate it’ or the traditional ‘have a nice day’?  Do you smile at them?

Being aware of the ripple effect of your actions, both in the positive and negative sense, is a key ingredient to increasing your emotional intelligence.  You may be quite surprised at what you discover!

These are on some of the handwritten notes that Peyton Manning sends other NFL players on their retirement …. players that have NOT played with him, they have played AGAINST him.  He has sent more than a dozen of these letters.  He handwrites every single one of them … he believes it says “it’s from my heart”.

He believes it shows respect among peers. It shows he appreciates them for their character, not simply their stats.  They played the right way, played when they were hurt, they put it all on the line.  He wants these retirees to know there is another player out there that appreciates them.

What do the recipients of these letters say? They are flattered and “honored that Peyton took the time to write little old me” says Troy Brown of the New England Patriots.   Steve McNair QB of the Oilers/Titans says it “shows the true character of the individual and high standards of being one of the top quarterback.”

Taking a few minutes and doing something out of the ordinary, something that you know will lift someone else’s spirits, shows that you are cognizant of some of the other person’s abilities and motivations.

In this era of modern technology, where emails and tweets run rampant, Peyton shows the power of the handwritten word.

How often do you make a decision based on an assumption?  You “paint with a broad stroke” instead of taking the time to investigate with an open mind?

If you were the recipient of an unfair decision, how would you feel?  Too often we are immersed in our own world and not realizing that the “others” we are dealing with have thoughts, feelings and motivations just like we do.

Is a person with bad behavior always a poor performer?  Does a poor performer always have bad behavior?

What constitutes ‘bad behavior’?  Is it questioning the status quo?  Is it bringing up things that may add time or money to a current project?  Is it consistently being late for meetings?  Is it not working as quickly as others?

Is a poor performer destined to be a poor performer in every position they hold?  Or could it be an instance of having that person in the wrong job?

I am a very outgoing, animated person [check out my videos on my website or on youtube to see].  One of my boss’ decided the best job for me in the company was to have my office at the very end of a hall, facing a storage room that was rarely used, and to do data entry work.  Needless to say, I was not performing at my best.  My boss would probably consider me a poor performer.  I was not very happy doing this job … so he would also consider some of my behavior ‘bad’.

One of the signs of a true leader is to understand what motivates your team, and what strengths they possess.  Three entities benefit when you use the talents and the passions of your team members: your team member because that shows you trust and value them and you are allowing them to grow … you because you are letting go of control and you are improving your own leadership skills …. the company because you both are doing what you are getting paid to do, and increasing the bottom line.

I challenge you .. if you see ‘bad behavior’ or ‘poor performance’, look past the person and seek other aspects of their life that could be contributing to what you see.

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.

the best bosses are inspirational mentors who encourage their subordinates to develop their abilities and creatively change their organisations. This is referred to as a ‘transformational’ style of leadership – similar to the way in which good teachers manage their students and something that women do naturally. In contrast, men adopt a ‘transactional’ management style which is more likely to see them dole out punishments for poor performance and reward good behaviour.

The article goes on to say:

In fact, according to both studies, women are faced with a dichotomy: on one hand, if they act like a leader, using typically men characteristics and abandoning their typically female personality profile, they are perceived as being hard, but if they act like a woman, they are perceived as being inefficient, since typically male personality traits are considered more effective leadership characteristics.

Indeed there is a difference in leadership styles — women are not being paranoid when they think they are being called “bitches” or “wimps”.  Why is it we cannot look past the gender or appearance of our leaders and assess their effectiveness on what they have [or have not] accomplished?

Emotional intelligence transcends genders …. any person can and should exhibit good ‘people skills’ … understanding what your team members are experiencing — emotionally, mentally and physically — and acting accordingly, can raise their performance and productivity levels.

Could it be …. It isn’t what they said, it’s what we think we heard?

Close Friends: Elephant and Dog

Even those that can be considered “odd couples” can get along and benefit each other.

Your challenge: reach out to someone that you think you have nothing in common with.  See what connections you can make.

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

Back to the book … it talks about our patterns of behavior.  We know the definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing again and again and hoping for a different result”.  That can be applied to our reactions when we feel a conflict rising.  We revert back to those thoughts and actions we have previously used.  And we get sucked into those patterns.

When we identify patterns of our own behavior that give us unwanted results, we can then put ourselves back in control of our emotions and our actions.  That can stop us from trying to control the other person — wishing and wanting them to act differently.  They probably want the same from us.

So ….. what patterns put you in the midst of a heated conflict?

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

Our records show that a hard copy of a letter was sent to you on January 5, 2010  to inform you that you were to expire in 90 days.  It was never returned to us.

This immediately threw me back to my grade school days when I, in vain, tried to explain to the nuns why I could not understand the chapters in the textbook well enough to complete the homework assignment.  You know, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you indeed you are going to fail and to fail miserably, and getting chastised in front of the entire class.  Afterwards, the class would tease me mercilessly ….

Fast forward to today … if I read between the lines, did they [also] call me a liar?  Are they telling me that I did indeed receive their hardcopy letter?  Much like the nun telling me that I didn’t even try to understand the importance of some minor battle in the Civil War.

This is a great example of how email messages can be misconstrued, taken out of context and begin feelings of irritation and resentment.

Rationally I don’t believe the writer intended for her words to come across as harsh as they did.   I felt her index finger jab my chest.  I felt my defenses rise — I felt my credibility and my reputation being attacked.  My caveman brain wanted to take over and fight for my own self-esteem.  Luckily I took a deep breath and my rational mind took over.

It wasn’t what she wrote, it was what I thought I read.

When you yourself says the word ‘always’, what percentage of time does that event occur? Does ‘always’ occur 100% of the time?  Or does ‘always’ occur under 90% of the time?

When you yourself says the word ‘never’, what percentage of time does that event occur? Does ‘never’ occur 0% of the time?

I ask these questions, along with about a dozen other words, when I give my Behavioral Leadership or Communications seminars.  My survey shows that the average percentage of time ‘always’ occurs is 82% …. And the average percentage of time ‘never’ occurs is 18%!

Could this be a contributing factor to mis-communications?

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard