When I fly, usually on Southwest Airlines, I know the seat I want … usually I am not a creature of habit, in this case I am.  Recently I flew back to Houston from Orlando and was sandwiched in between two monster children … you know the type: the ones where the parents are oblivious to their child’s actions.

Behind me, the imp felt it was perfectly acceptable to kick my seat, again and again.  He stood up and bumped my seat, he sat down and moved his legs like he was swimming — and his feet intersected with the back of my seat.  At one point [after suffering through this for about 30 minutes], I turned around and said to his mother “Would you please stop your son from kicking my seat?”.  She gave me a deer-in-the-headlights look and of course did nothing.

The little girl ahead of me decided that she was going to use her seat as a barrier – and she threw herself onto the seat several times.  At least this father believed he was her parent and scolded her, quietly of course, by telling her “There is someone in the seat behind you.”  She did quit, thank goodness.

How often do you think of the ripple effect of your actions?

• When you cut someone off in traffic – do you anger them and how long does it last for them?  Do you unknowingly create a near-accident – and what’s the effect on the other drivers?
• When you are late for a meeting, do you ask for a recap, or do you quietly sneak in and listen before you speak up?
• When you are talking on your cell phone in public, do you talk loud enough for everyone around you to hear?  And how does that impact them?
• Are you sincere when you tell people ‘thank you’, ‘I appreciate it’ or the traditional ‘have a nice day’?  Do you smile at them?

Being aware of the ripple effect of your actions, both in the positive and negative sense, is a key ingredient to increasing your emotional intelligence.  You may be quite surprised at what you discover!

How often do you make a decision based on an assumption?  You “paint with a broad stroke” instead of taking the time to investigate with an open mind?

If you were the recipient of an unfair decision, how would you feel?  Too often we are immersed in our own world and not realizing that the “others” we are dealing with have thoughts, feelings and motivations just like we do.

Interesting discussion I had recently in a Behavioral Leadership seminar:  does poor performance indicate bad behavior?

Is a person with bad behavior always a poor performer?  Does a poor performer always have bad behavior?

What constitutes ‘bad behavior’?  Is it questioning the status quo?  Is it bringing up things that may add time or money to a current project?  Is it consistently being late for meetings?  Is it not working as quickly as others?

Is a poor performer destined to be a poor performer in every position they hold?  Or could it be an instance of having that person in the wrong job?

I am a very outgoing, animated person [check out my videos on my website or on youtube to see].  One of my boss’ decided the best job for me in the company was to have my office at the very end of a hall, facing a storage room that was rarely used, and to do data entry work.  Needless to say, I was not performing at my best.  My boss would probably consider me a poor performer.  I was not very happy doing this job … so he would also consider some of my behavior ‘bad’.

One of the signs of a true leader is to understand what motivates your team, and what strengths they possess.  Three entities benefit when you use the talents and the passions of your team members: your team member because that shows you trust and value them and you are allowing them to grow … you because you are letting go of control and you are improving your own leadership skills …. the company because you both are doing what you are getting paid to do, and increasing the bottom line.

I challenge you .. if you see ‘bad behavior’ or ‘poor performance’, look past the person and seek other aspects of their life that could be contributing to what you see.

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.

My membership for a particular organization was due to expire.  I thanked them for their friendly reminder email, telling them I was not sure of the exact date that my membership would be up.  Their response was:

Our records show that a hard copy of a letter was sent to you on January 5, 2010  to inform you that you were to expire in 90 days.  It was never returned to us.

This immediately threw me back to my grade school days when I, in vain, tried to explain to the nuns why I could not understand the chapters in the textbook well enough to complete the homework assignment.  You know, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you indeed you are going to fail and to fail miserably, and getting chastised in front of the entire class.  Afterwards, the class would tease me mercilessly ….

Fast forward to today … if I read between the lines, did they [also] call me a liar?  Are they telling me that I did indeed receive their hardcopy letter?  Much like the nun telling me that I didn’t even try to understand the importance of some minor battle in the Civil War.

This is a great example of how email messages can be misconstrued, taken out of context and begin feelings of irritation and resentment.

Rationally I don’t believe the writer intended for her words to come across as harsh as they did.   I felt her index finger jab my chest.  I felt my defenses rise — I felt my credibility and my reputation being attacked.  My caveman brain wanted to take over and fight for my own self-esteem.  Luckily I took a deep breath and my rational mind took over.

It wasn’t what she wrote, it was what I thought I read.

Even when we think we know what we are saying, our words can still be ambiguous.  For instance:

When you yourself says the word ‘always’, what percentage of time does that event occur? Does ‘always’ occur 100% of the time?  Or does ‘always’ occur under 90% of the time?

When you yourself says the word ‘never’, what percentage of time does that event occur? Does ‘never’ occur 0% of the time?

I ask these questions, along with about a dozen other words, when I give my Behavioral Leadership or Communications seminars.  My survey shows that the average percentage of time ‘always’ occurs is 82% …. And the average percentage of time ‘never’ occurs is 18%!

Could this be a contributing factor to mis-communications?

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard

I recently read an article from Knowledge @ Wharton that gave an interesting perspective:  It asks

Why doesn’t education focus on what humans can do better than the machines and instruments they create?

It goes on to say

Teaching enables the teacher to discover what one thinks about the subject being taught.  Schools are upside down:  Students should be teaching and faculty learning.

In their book, Turning Learning Right Side Up: Putting Education Back on Track, authors  Russell L. Ackhoff and Daniel Greenberg state that there are numerous ways to learn …. teaching, or lecturing, is only one of them.  Studies have shown that this is the least effective way for someone to learn … remember how boring it was to hear an instructor drone on and on and on … how much of that monologue did you actually remember?

Group discussions, provided they are brainstorming sessions, are great ways to remember theories and concepts.

The most effective way is to teach .. or ‘teach back’.  This is when you teach someone else, either in a formal or informal session, what you learned.  To be able to do that effectively does not require a high ability to teach or train … it requires  a desire to communicate more clearly.

Being aware of your communications, your perspective and what gets you defensive or impatient, and taking the steps to handle each of these appropriately, is one sign of high emotional intelligence.  And the makings of a great leader.

Let me ask you ….. what is your level of emotional intelligence?

Why don’t we tell others how to manage or communicate with ourselves? This seems like a very simple concept, doesn’t it? Think about how much easier, or simpler, our lives would be if we were forthright with this information.

Aahh Behold the Ultimate Truth! We are! We tell others what we value, what is important to us. We just don’t always pay attention to the signals that we are sent.

When I changed financial planners, my new one felt it was important to review with me, year by year, my contributions and my disbursements. After listening to this for only a few minutes [believe me it felt like forever] I moved her finger down to the last disbursement. I wanted to know what year my money would run out. The outcome, the result, the bottom line, was important to me. Not the details. From that point forward she knew not to bog me down with details … simply give me the end result.

Do you have someone in your life that talks about their family, friends, colleagues or other people? To build rapport with them, ask them about these people. Smile and nod when they relate their latest adventures. Then you can get to the point. Otherwise they may hear that you do not like them or are not interested in them.

Do you have someone in your life that keeps their personal life private? They are focused on business, tasks, things and achievements. If so, minimize the small non-business talk and get directly to the point. Give them the result first. Otherwise they may hear that you are flighty and a time-waster.

An emotionally intelligent person senses the communication needs of the other person — or they are confident enough to ask.

Remember, it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

One topic that comes up fairly regularly when my clients want to improve employee engagement and loyalty.  Teed to praise their staff.

These executives are surprised when I tell them that they do indeed need to tell their people that they were performing well and be specific on what they were doing.

“You mean to tell me that I have to tell them they are doing a good job when they are doing the job that I am paying them for?”  they usually ask incredulously.

This reminded me of one of the songs in Fiddler on the Roof, “Do You Love Me?” http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/fiddlerontheroof/doyouloveme.htm

Tevye asks his wife, Golde, if she loves him. Her response is:

Golde: Do I love you? /For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes / Cooked your meals, cleaned your house /Given you children, milked the cow /After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now? / I’m your wife

Tevye: I know… But do you love me?

Golde: Do I love him? /For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him /Fought him, starved with him /Twenty-five years my bed is his /If that’s not love, what is?

Tevye: Then you love me?

Golde: I suppose I do

Tevye: And I suppose I love you too

Both: It doesn’t change a thing/ But even so /After twenty-five years /It’s nice to know

So how does this relate to you? You may think people know how critical they are to the team, to the project, to the success of the company, to you personally and that they don’t need to be told. The truth is everyone needs to be told that they have value and what that value is.

Yes, emotionally intelligent leaders need to tell those people that report to them [when it is appropriate] that they are doing a job well.  Honest positive specific feedback never hurts!

BC&A reports that the “Top Ten Threats Cited in EMS ASRA [NASA's Aviation Safety Reporting System] Reports:

Mission Preparation/Operational Pressure                    93%

Excessive Workload                                                      84%

Communication Difficulties                                            75%

. . .

Distractions                                                                  28%

Pilot                                                                              17%

Assume that EMS personnel are trained and are accustomed to working under stress.  75% of the time they consider communication difficulties a threat?  What does that mean for the rest of us that do not generally work under stress …. our stress experiences has peaks and valleys.

How many times in a typical day do we ‘visit’ the fight/flight/freeze arena?  And how long do we remain that prisoner?   When we sense that our unconscious reactions will overtake our conscious actions, we need to focus on the outcome we want, not escaping from the current situation.

How difficult is it for us to communicate clearly the first time?  And what are our consequences if we don’t.  And how do we know if our meaning and intention are clearly stated?  We can take cues from the other person/people, we can restate our communications several times in several different ways, we can ask them to repeat [not regurgitate] what you said … and you can ask for feedback.

It’s not what you said … it’s what they think they heard.

NBAA Schedulers & Dispatchers Conference, San Antonio, TX

Winning the respect of chief pilots, directors of maintenance and others in your organization is crucial to your success, and possibly the success of your flight department – but your expertise only gets you so far! Using your personal power and influence, along with adapting your behavior patterns, can make you the “go to” person in your department. This session will cover techniques to recognize and anticipate communication patterns from others; you will practice persuading and negotiating with a structured checklist. You will develop skills to stop defensive attitudes and words, and heighten your awareness of signals that others send you. This session will enhance and develop your natural and learned skills.