I’m reading a great book about blame.  Blame is a big part of team dysfunctions and conflict.  Blame is part of the no-win situation, for blame has no constructive value.  Blame will simply fuel the conflict fire.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in this blame-game and finger-pointing, and the longer it continues, the greater the chance of saying something you regret — the amygdala hijack.

Back to the book … it talks about our patterns of behavior.  We know the definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing again and again and hoping for a different result”.  That can be applied to our reactions when we feel a conflict rising.  We revert back to those thoughts and actions we have previously used.  And we get sucked into those patterns.

When we identify patterns of our own behavior that give us unwanted results, we can then put ourselves back in control of our emotions and our actions.  That can stop us from trying to control the other person — wishing and wanting them to act differently.  They probably want the same from us.

So ….. what patterns put you in the midst of a heated conflict?

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

My membership for a particular organization was due to expire.  I thanked them for their friendly reminder email, telling them I was not sure of the exact date that my membership would be up.  Their response was:

Our records show that a hard copy of a letter was sent to you on January 5, 2010  to inform you that you were to expire in 90 days.  It was never returned to us.

This immediately threw me back to my grade school days when I, in vain, tried to explain to the nuns why I could not understand the chapters in the textbook well enough to complete the homework assignment.  You know, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you indeed you are going to fail and to fail miserably, and getting chastised in front of the entire class.  Afterwards, the class would tease me mercilessly ….

Fast forward to today … if I read between the lines, did they [also] call me a liar?  Are they telling me that I did indeed receive their hardcopy letter?  Much like the nun telling me that I didn’t even try to understand the importance of some minor battle in the Civil War.

This is a great example of how email messages can be misconstrued, taken out of context and begin feelings of irritation and resentment.

Rationally I don’t believe the writer intended for her words to come across as harsh as they did.   I felt her index finger jab my chest.  I felt my defenses rise — I felt my credibility and my reputation being attacked.  My caveman brain wanted to take over and fight for my own self-esteem.  Luckily I took a deep breath and my rational mind took over.

It wasn’t what she wrote, it was what I thought I read.

while en route to your neo-cortex can cause you all sorts of problems!

Last week I was in San Antonio Texas giving a breakout session for NBAA’s Schedulers and Dispatcher’s Conference on getting results with no authority.

A key point to know is how your brain reacts to threats.  We feel before we think. Emotions come before thoughts. Your thoughts normally progress from your amygdala to your neo-cortex.  Your amygdala houses your emotions and your long-term memory.  Your neo-cortex holds your logic and your short-term memory.  When your thoughts stop at your amygdala and stay there, several things happen:

• you have a slowdown in your thought process, which can last up to 20 minutes
• continuing on this destructive path, toxins can remain in your system for up to four hours
• as long as these toxins are in your system, especially the first 20 minutes, the more likely you are to relive the emotional event

One way to keep your emotions in check is to remember

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard

Mutual bad behaviors .. what else?

I was watching a recent episode of “Raising the Bar” .. this one was called “O! Say Can You Pee” about the behavior US Code states that one should stand with the hand over their heart when the US National Anthem is being played.

The judge was trying some out-of-the-box thinking to ease the court’s load.  What was the alternative?  An apology from the defense side to the prosecution side, and from the prosecution side to the defense side.

When someone wrongs us, or threatens us — even a perceived threat — we react.  In our reactions, we don’t think through our words, actions or behaviors.  Nor do we think through the consequences of these actions.  This is where we get ourselves into trouble.  Our emotional brain takes over and throws us into a ‘fight or flight’ situation.  When our middle brain, our emotional brain, perceives a threat, it reacts.  Pure and simple.

When you are unconscious of your motives, you react.

When you are conscious of your emotions, you respond.

By the way, by apologizing to each other, and adding their reasoning – making their thinking visible – they saw the world from the other person’s side and had a newfound appreciation for war, drinking, the United States Amendments and the National Anthem.

I’ve been doing research on the aviation accident that happened in Tenerife in the Canary Islands, Spain in 1977. This is an absolutely fascinating study in looking at how each element contributed to the fiery crash.

A chain of events is a sequence of events that, occurring consecutively, caused an accident. Had only one or two of these events happened, the accident may not have happened.

It all began with a bomb explosion in the Las Palmas terminal, diverting all flights to Tenerife. The KLM captain opted to let his passengers off the aircraft. Heavy fog rolled in. When it rolled back out, briefly, passengers were not quick to reboard.

From a communications perspective, the dialogue between the air traffic controllers, the KLM pilot, and the Pan Am pilot is a comedy of errors. When people from two aircraft talk on the radio at the same time, squelching occurs. This happened at a critical time when Pam Am stated they were still taxiing down the runway.

We will never know exactly what was rolling through the Captain’s mind … possibly expiring crew duty times, possibly the monies the airline would have to spend if the flight stayed overnight, perhaps “we’ve come this far we need to complete the task” …. was it loss avoidance or a tightly-held commitment?

As in all our lives, it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

I like the show Criminal Minds. It’s a drama about FBI profilers. This particular episode dealt with the abduction of a six year old boy. The mother told the FBI agents that she did not want to know what happened to the previous boys that had been abducted, she simply wanted to know how they were going to get her son back.

The dialogue between the agents and the parents went like this:

Agent: Was it normal for your son to walk to a friend’s house by himself?

Wife: What are you saying?

Agent: It’s just a question

Wife: [speaking very defensively] No it’s not. Do you think we had something to do with this?

Agent: [maintaining his calm, detached demeanor] No I don’t. If this was his routine, someone could have been watching him for some time now.

Husband: He had only done it a couple times …..

In times of crises, even the most well-meaning and innocent questions can be misconstrued and sound accusatory to the listener. The listener may immediately get defensive, stubborn and irritated while reading voice tones and underlying meanings into what they heard.  The emotional brain, the amygdala, would take over and, unless checked, could spiral out of control.

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

There are many things that can cause someone’s defenses to skyrocket. Your emotional brain, specifically your amygdala, plays a huge role in how you remember your past.  We know the more emotional you felt an event, the more likely you are to relive it with that same level of emotion.

My question to you is: how do you react when someone’s defenses get thrust in your face? Do you react negatively? Do you feel your blood pressure rise, your heart pound in your chest, your eyes popping out of your head and your hands instinctively reaching for someone’s neck?  You are in a “fight or flight” situation, cortisol runs rampant through your brain and adrenaline rushes through your veins.  This ‘episode’ lasts approximately 20 minutes.

Or do you handle the situation calmly, with steady breathing and rational thoughts?  You have consciously stopped your emotional brain from going into a totally reactive state.

What is it about that position that you get defensive about? Do you feed off the other person’s emotions, knowing full well that you are locked in a negative embrace spiraling downward?

When you can break yourself free of this hypnotic state, ask yourself: Are you reacting purely to their words, or more to their rage? By doing this and changing your reactions — consciously altering your actions — you will stop that error chain and change the outcome of your interaction.

They key is to consciously alter your actions.

And remember, during these heated moments, it’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.

Watching Glenn Beck on the Bill O’Reilly show talk about one of his callers …. I think the discussion was about the Health Care bill that is trying to make it through the US House and Senate. 

As the female caller was trying to make her point, she said “Every time you people ….”.  These words were Glenn Beck’s “fightin’ words” .  They set him off and he became much more animated, arms flailing, face turning red …. he screamed at her to get off his phone and called her a ‘Pinhead”. 

What was it about those words, “you people”, that caused Glenn’s amygdala to hijack?  Where, in his past experiences, did he hear “you people” and the consequences were emotionally negative?  That’s why we wig out, lose control.  Something someone said, or did, reminded us of an emotionally-charged prior event.  That’s the feeling that migrates from our subconscious to our amygdala — and we simply let it overcome us.  We don’t know how to stop it, and usually we are powerless to stop it.

How do we stop it?  First and foremost, we need to want to stop it.  Secondly, we need to be aware of when we are about to lose control.  Third, we need to identify our emotional triggers.  Fourth, we need to understand where these triggers began.

These are not easy steps, nor are they accomplished quickly.  Take one step at a time, one instance at a time, and you will make progress.

Every action has two sides … one side faces the sun and the other faces darkness.

If you are facing the darkness, you remain in the past.  Being chained to the past keeps negative feelings churning ….. remorse, jealousy, revenge, guilt …. variations of three of your core emotions: sadness, fear, anger.  Keeping these emotions alive and gnawing at you sustains the cortisol running through your brain … this is the hormone that is released when your brain senses a “fight or flight”situation.  Cortisol was meant to be a short-term solution — kick the adrenaline in for about 30 minutes.  Unfortunately we tend to keep ourselves in these stress situations for longer than 30 minutes, and serious damage can occur.

When your actions face the sun … variations of happy emotions … you are better equipped to see all sides of situations and think creatively for solutions.  You can sense the mood of the other players, along with ‘the elephant in the room..’.  You are seen as a negotiator, a fair player, a leader.

Next time you think you see the darkness of your actions rushing towards you, turn 180 degrees, take a deep breath, count to ten and smile.

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

Where, exactly, does anger ‘live’?  I was recently told by a client “Anger is a place I go to easily”.  That is one powerful statement!  And not in a positive way.

Anger is most certainly a red color — some see it as a vibrant, electrifying red.  Others see it more of a brownish-maroon-blood red.  “I was so angry I literally saw red” has been stated by many people whose emotions have taken control.

What exactly is anger?  Danger, yes, and an attempt to change what is currently happening — to start or to stop something.  To start on another path to get the result you want.  To stop another person from talking nonsense.  To start justifying your actions.  To stop another person’s behavior.

Anger can also be tied to the past …. it is called resentment.  Making excuses for oneself and/or one’s actions usually goes hand-in-hand with this.

Anger, tied to the future, is commonly called envy or jealousy.  Excuses can be associated with future anger, as can be a put-down of one’s own actions or attempts.

When you feel the red anger rising in your body, make a conscious effort to stop this powerful emotion before it hits your mouth and overtakes your words.  Crow is never ever pleasant to eat.

For additional information on effectively managing your emotions, email Shari@CornerStoneStrategiesLLC.com