“I admire you in the way you’ve handled yourself on and off the field.   Best of luck in your post-NFL career”

These are on some of the handwritten notes that Peyton Manning sends other NFL players on their retirement …. players that have NOT played with him, they have played AGAINST him.  He has sent more than a dozen of these letters.  He handwrites every single one of them … he believes it says “it’s from my heart”.

He believes it shows respect among peers. It shows he appreciates them for their character, not simply their stats.  They played the right way, played when they were hurt, they put it all on the line.  He wants these retirees to know there is another player out there that appreciates them.

What do the recipients of these letters say? They are flattered and “honored that Peyton took the time to write little old me” says Troy Brown of the New England Patriots.   Steve McNair QB of the Oilers/Titans says it “shows the true character of the individual and high standards of being one of the top quarterback.”

Taking a few minutes and doing something out of the ordinary, something that you know will lift someone else’s spirits, shows that you are cognizant of some of the other person’s abilities and motivations.

In this era of modern technology, where emails and tweets run rampant, Peyton shows the power of the handwritten word.

How often do you make a decision based on an assumption?  You “paint with a broad stroke” instead of taking the time to investigate with an open mind?

If you were the recipient of an unfair decision, how would you feel?  Too often we are immersed in our own world and not realizing that the “others” we are dealing with have thoughts, feelings and motivations just like we do.

Has this confusion ever happened to you?

There’s an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his platoon, and told the sergeant that the troops smelled really badly. The lieutenant suggested that the troops change their underwear.

The sergeant responded, “Yes sir; I’ll see to it immediately.”

He went into the tent and said, “The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie; Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it !”

It isn’t what the lieutenant said, it’s what the sergeant heard!

while en route to your neo-cortex can cause you all sorts of problems!

Last week I was in San Antonio Texas giving a breakout session for NBAA’s Schedulers and Dispatcher’s Conference on getting results with no authority.

A key point to know is how your brain reacts to threats.  We feel before we think. Emotions come before thoughts. Your thoughts normally progress from your amygdala to your neo-cortex.  Your amygdala houses your emotions and your long-term memory.  Your neo-cortex holds your logic and your short-term memory.  When your thoughts stop at your amygdala and stay there, several things happen:

• you have a slowdown in your thought process, which can last up to 20 minutes
• continuing on this destructive path, toxins can remain in your system for up to four hours
• as long as these toxins are in your system, especially the first 20 minutes, the more likely you are to relive the emotional event

One way to keep your emotions in check is to remember

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard

I am an adjunct faculty member for Mountain State University in their School of Leadership and Professional Development Program. One of the books we use is Peter M Senge’s “The FIfth Discipline”

In a discussion, different views are presented and defended …. In dialogue, different views are presented as ameans toward discovering a new view.  In a discussion, decisions are made.  In a dialogue, complex issues are explored.  When a team must reach agreement and decisions must be taken, some discussion is needed.

In class, one of the students mentioned that when problems arise in his department, the shot-gun approach is to have a quick discussion focusing on the outcome, the end result.

When this happens with my clients, more often than not, the root cause is not even mentioned.  We are on a hamster wheel, running and running and getting nowhere.  We go for the ‘quick fix’ and are content using band-aids for long-term solutions.

Coming to a quick solution can cause friction among team members.

Those people that need to think problems, and solutions, through get irritated when they are not able to process information in the manner they feel most comfortable with.

People on the other end will make quick decisions, preferring to hear only the highpoints and not too much of the minutia.  They will make their quick decisions based on the most important facts.  They become frustrated when others don’t make the same snap decisions.

It is these times that friction can escalate into conflict.   Once conflict rears its ugly head, it becomes a more serious situation.

It isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

I was re-reading an article in a prior edition of Business & Commercial Aviation, entitled Cockpit Cacophony.  It states that

“The noisy cockpit environment certainly doesn’t help the communication of important information.  A review of 250 NASA ASRS …. business jet flight crews found that fully 2/3 involved communication errors as a root cause and of those a quarter involved read-back errors and an equal number involved expectation errors … High noise levels can impair concentration and cause fatigue and insomnia. “

We know how important read-back is …. very much like summarizing a discussion.  Can the noisy cockpit environment be compared to the noisy work environment?  Do phone ringing, other people talking, emails dinging and music playing equate to a noisy work environment?  Does your preoccupation add to the ‘noise’?

We know that the brain cannot multi-task …. your mind can focus on only one attention-needing activity at a time.  We can walk and talk …. only if we don’t have to watch our step.  If so, then our minds will focus on the rough terrain and not be able to maintain a sane train of thought.  If your mind is sifting through the background noise, it is not able to concentrate on the words that are being directed towards you.

How about the expectation errors?  How many times have you begun listening to someone and were sure you knew what they were going to say, so you complete their sentence?  Or you expect something to happen so you disregard the signs contradicting your expectation?

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.

I found an article in the Houston Business Journal citing the research done by Proudfoot Consulting. The leading cause of unproductive time on a global basis is poor supervision: 31% of people say they have a lack of supervision in their workplace.  The article does not state who the lack of supervision is directed at … the wayward employee or the person giving their opinion.  And we need to realize that ‘lack of supervision’ is ambiguous …. what one person considers ‘lack of supervision’ another can consider enough supervision; what one considers enough supervision another may consider ‘micro managing’.

Poor communication ranks third, with 18.2%. I’m sure if you investigated this further, it would include positive feedback, giving clear and thorough direction, performance appraisals and coaching / mentoring.

Management appears to be looking in the wrong places on where to increase productivity. Sure, assessing processes and procedures is worthwhile. Sending memos out reinforcing company policies about working hours, lunch times and personal work on company time will irritate and be ignored by those that it was intended for.  Those managers that choose the “group chewing out” because they are not strong enough to have a one-on-one with the true offenders should not be in management.

They may complain that meetings last longer than they should, yet how many managers and supervisors have been training in running effective meetings?  How many have asked for training in running a more cohesive meeting?  How many let attendees take control of the meeting and fulfill their own agenda?

Managers and supervisors may opt to do the work themselves and not delegate, because taking the time to explain to someone the big picture and the tasks takes “too much time”.  Yet in doing this, the manager is robbing three entities: the employee from improving and learning new skills, themselves from also learning new skills, and the company from increasing productivity and growing all their employees.

Having a conversation with staff on reaching their goals and assuming more responsibility takes “too much time”. Managers and supervisors are constantly up against critical deadlines, and that is looming over them like a storm cloud.

Leaders, on the other hand, understand the importance of delegating, mentoring, performance evaluations and clear communications. They realize that these tasks are not in addition to their job, these elements are critical pieces of their job.

Your staff take many lessons from you …

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard!

In my leadership and communications seminars, we talk about ambiguous words …. words like ‘always’ , ‘almost always’, ‘rarely’ and ‘never’.  The meaning of these words may seem clear to you…and yet you would be surprised at the responses. 

According to my research with flight departments, ‘always’ happens between 50% and 100% of the time. ‘Almost always’ happens 90% – 95% of the time. In other words, if they heard ‘the sun always rises in the east’, according to at least one person, half the time the sun would NOT rise in the east! Another example, perhaps more realistic: ‘I always leave my house at least 30 minutes early when I have a trip in the morning.’ Half the time, they leave less than 30 minutes early?

Those people that are more meticulous, more detail-oriented, will be more precise in their definition of their interpretation of their words.  Those that are more visionary, more global-speaking, are more likely to be less concise in their meanings.

So what does this mean to you?  Understanding the communication style of the person you’re talking with can help clear up any ambiguities from the beginning, instead of waiting until it’s nearly too late. 

Remember,  it’s not “always”what you said, it’s what they think they heard!

There are many things that can cause someone’s defenses to skyrocket. Your emotional brain, specifically your amygdala, plays a huge role in how you remember your past.  We know the more emotional you felt an event, the more likely you are to relive it with that same level of emotion.

My question to you is: how do you react when someone’s defenses get thrust in your face? Do you react negatively? Do you feel your blood pressure rise, your heart pound in your chest, your eyes popping out of your head and your hands instinctively reaching for someone’s neck?  You are in a “fight or flight” situation, cortisol runs rampant through your brain and adrenaline rushes through your veins.  This ‘episode’ lasts approximately 20 minutes.

Or do you handle the situation calmly, with steady breathing and rational thoughts?  You have consciously stopped your emotional brain from going into a totally reactive state.

What is it about that position that you get defensive about? Do you feed off the other person’s emotions, knowing full well that you are locked in a negative embrace spiraling downward?

When you can break yourself free of this hypnotic state, ask yourself: Are you reacting purely to their words, or more to their rage? By doing this and changing your reactions — consciously altering your actions — you will stop that error chain and change the outcome of your interaction.

They key is to consciously alter your actions.

And remember, during these heated moments, it’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.

Recently I attended a conference where we scheduled 10 minutes to talk with companies we wanted to do business with.  Imagine:  a cross between running-of-the-bulls and speed-dating!   When it was ‘your time’, you and about 100 of your closest friends were ’released’ into the room with the all-knowing companies.  Because you only have 10 minutes, and the conference personnel are fanatics about that, everyone bursts out of the side room, rushes to where their appointment company is sitting, and proceeds to talk non-stop for 10 minutes, hoping to either sell their products or services, or spark an interest.   

Out of the corner of my eye I witnessed this, firsthand, and watched the targeted company members roll their eyes and feign interest.  I thought “don’t those that are talking see the disinterest?  Doesn’t anything click in their minds that they are talking too much?”

How often do you simply barrel ahead with your own agenda .. not asking questions to pinpoint commonalities?  Do you assume that they know what you are talking about … or that they even have a need for your products or services?  Do you know if you interrupted something important and they would rather reschedule your conversation?

Awareness of the other person, and taking action suitable to that circumstance, is an integral part of emotional intelligence.  Not doing so demonstrates insincerity and selfishness.

How aware are you of your surroundings?