while en route to your neo-cortex can cause you all sorts of problems!

Last week I was in San Antonio Texas giving a breakout session for NBAA’s Schedulers and Dispatcher’s Conference on getting results with no authority.

A key point to know is how your brain reacts to threats.  We feel before we think. Emotions come before thoughts. Your thoughts normally progress from your amygdala to your neo-cortex.  Your amygdala houses your emotions and your long-term memory.  Your neo-cortex holds your logic and your short-term memory.  When your thoughts stop at your amygdala and stay there, several things happen:

• you have a slowdown in your thought process, which can last up to 20 minutes
• continuing on this destructive path, toxins can remain in your system for up to four hours
• as long as these toxins are in your system, especially the first 20 minutes, the more likely you are to relive the emotional event

One way to keep your emotions in check is to remember

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard

This is an excerpt from an article on How Subliminal Advertising Works.  One paragraph states:

The more stressed-out we are by the financial crisis and other problems, the more we unconsciously adhere to familiar, comforting rituals.

Think how this affects your communications behavior.  When you begin experiencing friction with a colleague or a partner, and the friction continues.  You become irritated and frustrated, and the other person probably does too.  it is then that you revert to your communications behavior that you are familiar with.

If your reaction is to withdraw and mentally retreat, that is what you will instinctively do.  If you, without thinking, become defensive and loud, you will do that.  This is surely to intensify the frustration and possibly propel it into chaotic conflict.

It isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard

I am an adjunct faculty member for Mountain State University in their School of Leadership and Professional Development Program. One of the books we use is Peter M Senge’s “The FIfth Discipline”

In a discussion, different views are presented and defended …. In dialogue, different views are presented as ameans toward discovering a new view.  In a discussion, decisions are made.  In a dialogue, complex issues are explored.  When a team must reach agreement and decisions must be taken, some discussion is needed.

In class, one of the students mentioned that when problems arise in his department, the shot-gun approach is to have a quick discussion focusing on the outcome, the end result.

When this happens with my clients, more often than not, the root cause is not even mentioned.  We are on a hamster wheel, running and running and getting nowhere.  We go for the ‘quick fix’ and are content using band-aids for long-term solutions.

Coming to a quick solution can cause friction among team members.

Those people that need to think problems, and solutions, through get irritated when they are not able to process information in the manner they feel most comfortable with.

People on the other end will make quick decisions, preferring to hear only the highpoints and not too much of the minutia.  They will make their quick decisions based on the most important facts.  They become frustrated when others don’t make the same snap decisions.

It is these times that friction can escalate into conflict.   Once conflict rears its ugly head, it becomes a more serious situation.

It isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

When we disagree with someone, our initial instinct is to push, push harder, push louder, push push PUSH!!!!  The more resistance we encounter, the more we push, the more we stand firm, the more we believe our viewpoint is the right viewpoint and should be the only viewpoint.

I found this on Innovation Rainmakers

Using reverse psychology on contrary people generates the required response by using their natural tendency to resist.  Also, utilize contrary people to find flaws in a project idea to get a list of problems to solve.

How very true!  If we would switch our thinking and present an idea 180 degrees from what we were saying, from what we believe, the other person may spout out what we have been telling them.

We can get so wrapped up in the adrenaline rush in debating or arguing that we don’t realize what we are saying … we simply know that we disagree with the other person and will state the opposite.  Especially if you are a Type A person, or one that needs to be in control of situations.

So how do you handle the people that enjoy arguing or simply taking the opposite position?  First of all, take a few deep breaths.  That will get oxygen to your brain, allow the heated emotions to dissipate and give you a few moments to actually hear and process what they said.

I challenge you to then ask yourself two questions:  Is this topic worth a heated debate and possibly saying something you may regret?  And what questions can you ask them to justify their position and slow down their thought processes?

It isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

I like the show Criminal Minds. It’s a drama about FBI profilers. This particular episode dealt with the abduction of a six year old boy. The mother told the FBI agents that she did not want to know what happened to the previous boys that had been abducted, she simply wanted to know how they were going to get her son back.

The dialogue between the agents and the parents went like this:

Agent: Was it normal for your son to walk to a friend’s house by himself?

Wife: What are you saying?

Agent: It’s just a question

Wife: [speaking very defensively] No it’s not. Do you think we had something to do with this?

Agent: [maintaining his calm, detached demeanor] No I don’t. If this was his routine, someone could have been watching him for some time now.

Husband: He had only done it a couple times …..

In times of crises, even the most well-meaning and innocent questions can be misconstrued and sound accusatory to the listener. The listener may immediately get defensive, stubborn and irritated while reading voice tones and underlying meanings into what they heard.  The emotional brain, the amygdala, would take over and, unless checked, could spiral out of control.

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

There are many things that can cause someone’s defenses to skyrocket. Your emotional brain, specifically your amygdala, plays a huge role in how you remember your past.  We know the more emotional you felt an event, the more likely you are to relive it with that same level of emotion.

My question to you is: how do you react when someone’s defenses get thrust in your face? Do you react negatively? Do you feel your blood pressure rise, your heart pound in your chest, your eyes popping out of your head and your hands instinctively reaching for someone’s neck?  You are in a “fight or flight” situation, cortisol runs rampant through your brain and adrenaline rushes through your veins.  This ‘episode’ lasts approximately 20 minutes.

Or do you handle the situation calmly, with steady breathing and rational thoughts?  You have consciously stopped your emotional brain from going into a totally reactive state.

What is it about that position that you get defensive about? Do you feed off the other person’s emotions, knowing full well that you are locked in a negative embrace spiraling downward?

When you can break yourself free of this hypnotic state, ask yourself: Are you reacting purely to their words, or more to their rage? By doing this and changing your reactions — consciously altering your actions — you will stop that error chain and change the outcome of your interaction.

They key is to consciously alter your actions.

And remember, during these heated moments, it’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.

Before you even get to the actual meeting, you have to ask the person to meet with you. So how do you do this? Asking for the meeting, yes ASKING, not telling, is as important as setting the ground rules for the meeting.

How do you ask for the meeting? Keep your voice tone friendly, and your words non-adversarial. Starting with “I was thinking we should talk about ….. because we both want …..”. Stressing that you are open to negotiation, and acknowledging that the ideal solution is bigger than both of you, stating the issue and what the outcome is you envision sets the tone for the meeting.

Ask, yes ASK, to meet in a neutral place – not your area and not theirs – and in a place where you can speak privately and freely.

Now in a perfect world, the other person would whole heartedly agree to meet and the meeting will go just as you envision. If, however, they balk and oppose this meeting, keep your positive and open stance. Recognize their objections and assure them that you have a new perspective, you understand their side, and stress the value of a conciliatory meeting.

Once the time, date and place for the meeting have been set, one final ‘point’ need to be raised and agreed upon. That ‘point’ is that you both will continue talking until the issue is resolved. A secondary point is that neither person will push for their solution alone.

If this sounds like negotiation, yes indeed it is. Emotional Intelligence is an integral part of negotiations, and of conflict resolution.

Is it about the credit, or about the outcome?

Remember, it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

To continue this process, see my ‘Creating Structured Dialog’ blog posts.

Did you watch Week 4 of The Celebrity Apprentice?  What a prime example of conflict in the workplace .. sometimes passive aggressive, sometimes downright attacking.  Claudia vs. Melissa … a classic re-enactment of how two very strong personalities clash.   And Donald’s response?  Certainly not to tolerate emotions infiltrating the workplace!

If you have not seen this episode, in the US check Saturday evening …. it may be a repeat.  The teams are selling cell phones.

Let me know what you think!

Our actions can have an unintended result on others.  What we perceive as teasing or playing around, another can see it as bullying or harassment.  I recently went through complaince training for Chevron.  One of the topics was sexual harassment.  An employee can be reported for sexual harassment even if both ‘parties’ agree there was no harassment!  If another employee perceives that sexual harassment is occurring, then it is. 

When you have wronged someone, the question that should be asked is:  can you be forgiven for the crime or for the act?  Or can you be forgiven for the crime, and there is no forgiveness for the act.

Conflict can take place without you knowing or understanding what started it, what set the other person off. 

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

Energies can invigorate us or zap us.  We generally only pay attention to our physical energy … “I am tired” , “I don’t have any energy” , “I just want to sleep”. 

According to Brian Tracy, there are two other kinds of energies:  emotional and mental.  These can be just as tiring as physical energies.  Especially when things are not going the way you want them to. 

Conflict and tension are energy zappers.  Stress to fulfill your responsibilities as a leader, as a colleague, as a parent, as a spouse, as a sibling …. the list can go on.

Next time you are not feeling up to par, take a moment to inspect your three energies and see which one is struggling to stay intact.

Shari offers a keynote speech and workshops on resolving conflict and repairing team dysfunctions.  Visit her website for more information.