When I fly, usually on Southwest Airlines, I know the seat I want … usually I am not a creature of habit, in this case I am.  Recently I flew back to Houston from Orlando and was sandwiched in between two monster children … you know the type: the ones where the parents are oblivious to their child’s actions.

Behind me, the imp felt it was perfectly acceptable to kick my seat, again and again.  He stood up and bumped my seat, he sat down and moved his legs like he was swimming — and his feet intersected with the back of my seat.  At one point [after suffering through this for about 30 minutes], I turned around and said to his mother “Would you please stop your son from kicking my seat?”.  She gave me a deer-in-the-headlights look and of course did nothing.

The little girl ahead of me decided that she was going to use her seat as a barrier – and she threw herself onto the seat several times.  At least this father believed he was her parent and scolded her, quietly of course, by telling her “There is someone in the seat behind you.”  She did quit, thank goodness.

How often do you think of the ripple effect of your actions?

• When you cut someone off in traffic – do you anger them and how long does it last for them?  Do you unknowingly create a near-accident – and what’s the effect on the other drivers?
• When you are late for a meeting, do you ask for a recap, or do you quietly sneak in and listen before you speak up?
• When you are talking on your cell phone in public, do you talk loud enough for everyone around you to hear?  And how does that impact them?
• Are you sincere when you tell people ‘thank you’, ‘I appreciate it’ or the traditional ‘have a nice day’?  Do you smile at them?

Being aware of the ripple effect of your actions, both in the positive and negative sense, is a key ingredient to increasing your emotional intelligence.  You may be quite surprised at what you discover!

How often do you make a decision based on an assumption?  You “paint with a broad stroke” instead of taking the time to investigate with an open mind?

If you were the recipient of an unfair decision, how would you feel?  Too often we are immersed in our own world and not realizing that the “others” we are dealing with have thoughts, feelings and motivations just like we do.

Interesting discussion I had recently in a Behavioral Leadership seminar:  does poor performance indicate bad behavior?

Is a person with bad behavior always a poor performer?  Does a poor performer always have bad behavior?

What constitutes ‘bad behavior’?  Is it questioning the status quo?  Is it bringing up things that may add time or money to a current project?  Is it consistently being late for meetings?  Is it not working as quickly as others?

Is a poor performer destined to be a poor performer in every position they hold?  Or could it be an instance of having that person in the wrong job?

I am a very outgoing, animated person [check out my videos on my website or on youtube to see].  One of my boss’ decided the best job for me in the company was to have my office at the very end of a hall, facing a storage room that was rarely used, and to do data entry work.  Needless to say, I was not performing at my best.  My boss would probably consider me a poor performer.  I was not very happy doing this job … so he would also consider some of my behavior ‘bad’.

One of the signs of a true leader is to understand what motivates your team, and what strengths they possess.  Three entities benefit when you use the talents and the passions of your team members: your team member because that shows you trust and value them and you are allowing them to grow … you because you are letting go of control and you are improving your own leadership skills …. the company because you both are doing what you are getting paid to do, and increasing the bottom line.

I challenge you .. if you see ‘bad behavior’ or ‘poor performance’, look past the person and seek other aspects of their life that could be contributing to what you see.

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.

We know that men and women think differently.  A recent study by Northwestern University in Chicago reports:

the best bosses are inspirational mentors who encourage their subordinates to develop their abilities and creatively change their organisations. This is referred to as a ‘transformational’ style of leadership – similar to the way in which good teachers manage their students and something that women do naturally. In contrast, men adopt a ‘transactional’ management style which is more likely to see them dole out punishments for poor performance and reward good behaviour.

The article goes on to say:

In fact, according to both studies, women are faced with a dichotomy: on one hand, if they act like a leader, using typically men characteristics and abandoning their typically female personality profile, they are perceived as being hard, but if they act like a woman, they are perceived as being inefficient, since typically male personality traits are considered more effective leadership characteristics.

Indeed there is a difference in leadership styles — women are not being paranoid when they think they are being called “bitches” or “wimps”.  Why is it we cannot look past the gender or appearance of our leaders and assess their effectiveness on what they have [or have not] accomplished?

Emotional intelligence transcends genders …. any person can and should exhibit good ‘people skills’ … understanding what your team members are experiencing — emotionally, mentally and physically — and acting accordingly, can raise their performance and productivity levels.

Could it be …. It isn’t what they said, it’s what we think we heard?

I’m reading a great book about blame.  Blame is a big part of team dysfunctions and conflict.  Blame is part of the no-win situation, for blame has no constructive value.  Blame will simply fuel the conflict fire.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in this blame-game and finger-pointing, and the longer it continues, the greater the chance of saying something you regret — the amygdala hijack.

Back to the book … it talks about our patterns of behavior.  We know the definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing again and again and hoping for a different result”.  That can be applied to our reactions when we feel a conflict rising.  We revert back to those thoughts and actions we have previously used.  And we get sucked into those patterns.

When we identify patterns of our own behavior that give us unwanted results, we can then put ourselves back in control of our emotions and our actions.  That can stop us from trying to control the other person — wishing and wanting them to act differently.  They probably want the same from us.

So ….. what patterns put you in the midst of a heated conflict?

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

My membership for a particular organization was due to expire.  I thanked them for their friendly reminder email, telling them I was not sure of the exact date that my membership would be up.  Their response was:

Our records show that a hard copy of a letter was sent to you on January 5, 2010  to inform you that you were to expire in 90 days.  It was never returned to us.

This immediately threw me back to my grade school days when I, in vain, tried to explain to the nuns why I could not understand the chapters in the textbook well enough to complete the homework assignment.  You know, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you indeed you are going to fail and to fail miserably, and getting chastised in front of the entire class.  Afterwards, the class would tease me mercilessly ….

Fast forward to today … if I read between the lines, did they [also] call me a liar?  Are they telling me that I did indeed receive their hardcopy letter?  Much like the nun telling me that I didn’t even try to understand the importance of some minor battle in the Civil War.

This is a great example of how email messages can be misconstrued, taken out of context and begin feelings of irritation and resentment.

Rationally I don’t believe the writer intended for her words to come across as harsh as they did.   I felt her index finger jab my chest.  I felt my defenses rise — I felt my credibility and my reputation being attacked.  My caveman brain wanted to take over and fight for my own self-esteem.  Luckily I took a deep breath and my rational mind took over.

It wasn’t what she wrote, it was what I thought I read.

Even when we think we know what we are saying, our words can still be ambiguous.  For instance:

When you yourself says the word ‘always’, what percentage of time does that event occur? Does ‘always’ occur 100% of the time?  Or does ‘always’ occur under 90% of the time?

When you yourself says the word ‘never’, what percentage of time does that event occur? Does ‘never’ occur 0% of the time?

I ask these questions, along with about a dozen other words, when I give my Behavioral Leadership or Communications seminars.  My survey shows that the average percentage of time ‘always’ occurs is 82% …. And the average percentage of time ‘never’ occurs is 18%!

Could this be a contributing factor to mis-communications?

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard

I recently read an article from Knowledge @ Wharton that gave an interesting perspective:  It asks

Why doesn’t education focus on what humans can do better than the machines and instruments they create?

It goes on to say

Teaching enables the teacher to discover what one thinks about the subject being taught.  Schools are upside down:  Students should be teaching and faculty learning.

In their book, Turning Learning Right Side Up: Putting Education Back on Track, authors  Russell L. Ackhoff and Daniel Greenberg state that there are numerous ways to learn …. teaching, or lecturing, is only one of them.  Studies have shown that this is the least effective way for someone to learn … remember how boring it was to hear an instructor drone on and on and on … how much of that monologue did you actually remember?

Group discussions, provided they are brainstorming sessions, are great ways to remember theories and concepts.

The most effective way is to teach .. or ‘teach back’.  This is when you teach someone else, either in a formal or informal session, what you learned.  To be able to do that effectively does not require a high ability to teach or train … it requires  a desire to communicate more clearly.

Being aware of your communications, your perspective and what gets you defensive or impatient, and taking the steps to handle each of these appropriately, is one sign of high emotional intelligence.  And the makings of a great leader.

Let me ask you ….. what is your level of emotional intelligence?

It seems no matter what the economy is doing, keeping good employees is the #1 concern of executives.  The #1 reason those good employees leave is still bad managers, according to a recent article in the Atlanta Business Journal.

“Unhappiness with management” ranked far and above “not enough opportunities for advancement” and “no recognition”.  Far below these was ”salary dissatisfaction”.

Let me ask you … how much effort does it take to focus more on what your employees are dealing with, or what they need or want?  Can you afford to take some time to listen, really listen, to them?  How much does it cost you to give them accolades or specifically thank them?

The higher the level of emotional intelligence, the more likely staff members and employees will stay.  Knowing how your employees [and colleagues] see your handling of stressful and/or uncomfortable situations affects their interactions with you.  If you chastise and berate others, they are less likely to go out on a limb for you.

It’s not what you said, it’s what your staff thinks they heard

while en route to your neo-cortex can cause you all sorts of problems!

Last week I was in San Antonio Texas giving a breakout session for NBAA’s Schedulers and Dispatcher’s Conference on getting results with no authority.

A key point to know is how your brain reacts to threats.  We feel before we think. Emotions come before thoughts. Your thoughts normally progress from your amygdala to your neo-cortex.  Your amygdala houses your emotions and your long-term memory.  Your neo-cortex holds your logic and your short-term memory.  When your thoughts stop at your amygdala and stay there, several things happen:

• you have a slowdown in your thought process, which can last up to 20 minutes
• continuing on this destructive path, toxins can remain in your system for up to four hours
• as long as these toxins are in your system, especially the first 20 minutes, the more likely you are to relive the emotional event

One way to keep your emotions in check is to remember

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard