Even when we think we know what we are saying, our words can still be ambiguous.  For instance:

When you yourself says the word ‘always’, what percentage of time does that event occur? Does ‘always’ occur 100% of the time?  Or does ‘always’ occur under 90% of the time?

When you yourself says the word ‘never’, what percentage of time does that event occur? Does ‘never’ occur 0% of the time?

I ask these questions, along with about a dozen other words, when I give my Behavioral Leadership or Communications seminars.  My survey shows that the average percentage of time ‘always’ occurs is 82% …. And the average percentage of time ‘never’ occurs is 18%!

Could this be a contributing factor to mis-communications?

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard

BC&A reports that the “Top Ten Threats Cited in EMS ASRA [NASA's Aviation Safety Reporting System] Reports:

Mission Preparation/Operational Pressure                    93%

Excessive Workload                                                      84%

Communication Difficulties                                            75%

. . .

Distractions                                                                  28%

Pilot                                                                              17%

Assume that EMS personnel are trained and are accustomed to working under stress.  75% of the time they consider communication difficulties a threat?  What does that mean for the rest of us that do not generally work under stress …. our stress experiences has peaks and valleys.

How many times in a typical day do we ‘visit’ the fight/flight/freeze arena?  And how long do we remain that prisoner?   When we sense that our unconscious reactions will overtake our conscious actions, we need to focus on the outcome we want, not escaping from the current situation.

How difficult is it for us to communicate clearly the first time?  And what are our consequences if we don’t.  And how do we know if our meaning and intention are clearly stated?  We can take cues from the other person/people, we can restate our communications several times in several different ways, we can ask them to repeat [not regurgitate] what you said … and you can ask for feedback.

It’s not what you said … it’s what they think they heard.

I found an article in the Houston Business Journal citing the research done by Proudfoot Consulting. The leading cause of unproductive time on a global basis is poor supervision: 31% of people say they have a lack of supervision in their workplace.  The article does not state who the lack of supervision is directed at … the wayward employee or the person giving their opinion.  And we need to realize that ‘lack of supervision’ is ambiguous …. what one person considers ‘lack of supervision’ another can consider enough supervision; what one considers enough supervision another may consider ‘micro managing’.

Poor communication ranks third, with 18.2%. I’m sure if you investigated this further, it would include positive feedback, giving clear and thorough direction, performance appraisals and coaching / mentoring.

Management appears to be looking in the wrong places on where to increase productivity. Sure, assessing processes and procedures is worthwhile. Sending memos out reinforcing company policies about working hours, lunch times and personal work on company time will irritate and be ignored by those that it was intended for.  Those managers that choose the “group chewing out” because they are not strong enough to have a one-on-one with the true offenders should not be in management.

They may complain that meetings last longer than they should, yet how many managers and supervisors have been training in running effective meetings?  How many have asked for training in running a more cohesive meeting?  How many let attendees take control of the meeting and fulfill their own agenda?

Managers and supervisors may opt to do the work themselves and not delegate, because taking the time to explain to someone the big picture and the tasks takes “too much time”.  Yet in doing this, the manager is robbing three entities: the employee from improving and learning new skills, themselves from also learning new skills, and the company from increasing productivity and growing all their employees.

Having a conversation with staff on reaching their goals and assuming more responsibility takes “too much time”. Managers and supervisors are constantly up against critical deadlines, and that is looming over them like a storm cloud.

Leaders, on the other hand, understand the importance of delegating, mentoring, performance evaluations and clear communications. They realize that these tasks are not in addition to their job, these elements are critical pieces of their job.

Your staff take many lessons from you …

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard!

Watching Glenn Beck on the Bill O’Reilly show talk about one of his callers …. I think the discussion was about the Health Care bill that is trying to make it through the US House and Senate. 

As the female caller was trying to make her point, she said “Every time you people ….”.  These words were Glenn Beck’s “fightin’ words” .  They set him off and he became much more animated, arms flailing, face turning red …. he screamed at her to get off his phone and called her a ‘Pinhead”. 

What was it about those words, “you people”, that caused Glenn’s amygdala to hijack?  Where, in his past experiences, did he hear “you people” and the consequences were emotionally negative?  That’s why we wig out, lose control.  Something someone said, or did, reminded us of an emotionally-charged prior event.  That’s the feeling that migrates from our subconscious to our amygdala — and we simply let it overcome us.  We don’t know how to stop it, and usually we are powerless to stop it.

How do we stop it?  First and foremost, we need to want to stop it.  Secondly, we need to be aware of when we are about to lose control.  Third, we need to identify our emotional triggers.  Fourth, we need to understand where these triggers began.

These are not easy steps, nor are they accomplished quickly.  Take one step at a time, one instance at a time, and you will make progress.

I heard this recently on a TV show … “I can smell doubt coming from you like cheap aftershave”

What a great picture that paints!  How effectively are you painting your message?

Whether we paint our messages with color, visuals, step-by-step directions or feelings, we engage our listener more fully.  All these avenues stimulate our emotional mind.  It is through this part of our brain that we decide to make purchases, befriend a stranger, pour our heart out, become angry / sad / afraid / happy or ashamed.  It is this part of our brain that puts on, or takes off, our ‘rose colored glasses’.

Our experiences are rooted in our emotions.  The more emotional an event, the more vividly and quickly we are able to recall it.  Negative emotions are not an excuse for bad behavior.  You don’t yell at someone because they made you angry.  You can choose how you will react to someone’s behaviors.

The question is … will you choose to respond in a productive manner, or will you lose control and let your emotions choose for you?