I’m reading a great book about blame.  Blame is a big part of team dysfunctions and conflict.  Blame is part of the no-win situation, for blame has no constructive value.  Blame will simply fuel the conflict fire.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in this blame-game and finger-pointing, and the longer it continues, the greater the chance of saying something you regret — the amygdala hijack.

Back to the book … it talks about our patterns of behavior.  We know the definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing again and again and hoping for a different result”.  That can be applied to our reactions when we feel a conflict rising.  We revert back to those thoughts and actions we have previously used.  And we get sucked into those patterns.

When we identify patterns of our own behavior that give us unwanted results, we can then put ourselves back in control of our emotions and our actions.  That can stop us from trying to control the other person — wishing and wanting them to act differently.  They probably want the same from us.

So ….. what patterns put you in the midst of a heated conflict?

It’s not what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

I recently read an article from Knowledge @ Wharton that gave an interesting perspective:  It asks

Why doesn’t education focus on what humans can do better than the machines and instruments they create?

It goes on to say

Teaching enables the teacher to discover what one thinks about the subject being taught.  Schools are upside down:  Students should be teaching and faculty learning.

In their book, Turning Learning Right Side Up: Putting Education Back on Track, authors  Russell L. Ackhoff and Daniel Greenberg state that there are numerous ways to learn …. teaching, or lecturing, is only one of them.  Studies have shown that this is the least effective way for someone to learn … remember how boring it was to hear an instructor drone on and on and on … how much of that monologue did you actually remember?

Group discussions, provided they are brainstorming sessions, are great ways to remember theories and concepts.

The most effective way is to teach .. or ‘teach back’.  This is when you teach someone else, either in a formal or informal session, what you learned.  To be able to do that effectively does not require a high ability to teach or train … it requires  a desire to communicate more clearly.

Being aware of your communications, your perspective and what gets you defensive or impatient, and taking the steps to handle each of these appropriately, is one sign of high emotional intelligence.  And the makings of a great leader.

Let me ask you ….. what is your level of emotional intelligence?

Why don’t we tell others how to manage or communicate with ourselves? This seems like a very simple concept, doesn’t it? Think about how much easier, or simpler, our lives would be if we were forthright with this information.

Aahh Behold the Ultimate Truth! We are! We tell others what we value, what is important to us. We just don’t always pay attention to the signals that we are sent.

When I changed financial planners, my new one felt it was important to review with me, year by year, my contributions and my disbursements. After listening to this for only a few minutes [believe me it felt like forever] I moved her finger down to the last disbursement. I wanted to know what year my money would run out. The outcome, the result, the bottom line, was important to me. Not the details. From that point forward she knew not to bog me down with details … simply give me the end result.

Do you have someone in your life that talks about their family, friends, colleagues or other people? To build rapport with them, ask them about these people. Smile and nod when they relate their latest adventures. Then you can get to the point. Otherwise they may hear that you do not like them or are not interested in them.

Do you have someone in your life that keeps their personal life private? They are focused on business, tasks, things and achievements. If so, minimize the small non-business talk and get directly to the point. Give them the result first. Otherwise they may hear that you are flighty and a time-waster.

An emotionally intelligent person senses the communication needs of the other person — or they are confident enough to ask.

Remember, it isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard.

Has this confusion ever happened to you?

There’s an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his platoon, and told the sergeant that the troops smelled really badly. The lieutenant suggested that the troops change their underwear.

The sergeant responded, “Yes sir; I’ll see to it immediately.”

He went into the tent and said, “The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie; Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it !”

It isn’t what the lieutenant said, it’s what the sergeant heard!

This is an excerpt from an article on How Subliminal Advertising Works.  One paragraph states:

The more stressed-out we are by the financial crisis and other problems, the more we unconsciously adhere to familiar, comforting rituals.

Think how this affects your communications behavior.  When you begin experiencing friction with a colleague or a partner, and the friction continues.  You become irritated and frustrated, and the other person probably does too.  it is then that you revert to your communications behavior that you are familiar with.

If your reaction is to withdraw and mentally retreat, that is what you will instinctively do.  If you, without thinking, become defensive and loud, you will do that.  This is surely to intensify the frustration and possibly propel it into chaotic conflict.

It isn’t what you said, it’s what they think they heard

Write the word communicate

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Did you solve it?  If not, let me show you:

_c_o_m_m_u_n_i_c_a_t_e_

How’d you do?  Remember,

It’s not what I said, it’s what you think you heard

Print the word communicate

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yes, in the spaces provided above, please print the word communicate.

This is not a trick, you need no special glasses, pen or magnifying glass.

I’ll give you a moment ….. in fact, I’ll give you 24 hours to mull it over.

Before I go, though, I will give you a hint

It’s not what I said, it’s what you think you heard

Mutual bad behaviors .. what else?

I was watching a recent episode of “Raising the Bar” .. this one was called “O! Say Can You Pee” about the behavior US Code states that one should stand with the hand over their heart when the US National Anthem is being played.

The judge was trying some out-of-the-box thinking to ease the court’s load.  What was the alternative?  An apology from the defense side to the prosecution side, and from the prosecution side to the defense side.

When someone wrongs us, or threatens us — even a perceived threat — we react.  In our reactions, we don’t think through our words, actions or behaviors.  Nor do we think through the consequences of these actions.  This is where we get ourselves into trouble.  Our emotional brain takes over and throws us into a ‘fight or flight’ situation.  When our middle brain, our emotional brain, perceives a threat, it reacts.  Pure and simple.

When you are unconscious of your motives, you react.

When you are conscious of your emotions, you respond.

By the way, by apologizing to each other, and adding their reasoning – making their thinking visible – they saw the world from the other person’s side and had a newfound appreciation for war, drinking, the United States Amendments and the National Anthem.

How many times do you hear what you want to hear, or understand someone else’s words from your own perspective?  In a leadership course I led, ‘trust’ was an interesting topic.  That is one of this company’s core values, and the discussion took an interesting turn. One participant shared his perspective:

If I say I trust you … that can mean I trust you [in a positive sense].  That can also mean that I trust you will do something negative … for instance if your MO is to look at situations from what will benefit you instead of the team or the company, I trust that you will always look at events that way.  So I trust you.

That is an interesting point of view …. not a negative or a positive statement, just a statement.

It isn’t what you said, it’s what we think we heard.

NASA Ames Research Center reported that 70% of all ASRS reports were because of communication errors, and expectation error was the highest single cause.  Expectation error ranks amont the top human factor errors.

When squelching or another communication breakup occurs, the pilot completes the command with what he/she thinks the thought should be.  In nearly 70% of cases, the direction dealt with altitude.  Although there were no fatalities, there were serious repercussions.

How does this relate to your work environment?  How many times do you “fill in the blanks” when your attention turns elsewhere?  Your brain can only focus on one attention point at a time … only one!  In addition it pieces together slices of today’s reality to correlate it to a situation you have encountered in your past.

So when you are talking with a colleague, team member or direct report and your blackberry chimes that you have new emails or a new phone call, do you automatically and unconsciously tune the other person out?  And what important words are you missing when you do?

It’s not what they said, it’s what you think you heard.